


Sometimes She Loved Me Too

by RascalPink



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, ahugemess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2019-10-25 09:01:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17722187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RascalPink/pseuds/RascalPink
Summary: Momo tries to get her love life together (however nonexistent that is).





	1. A Huge Mess, Really.

**Author's Note:**

> They're a mess.
> 
> find me on twitter @stinkinthepink

_“Tonight I can write the saddest lines_

_I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.”_

_―_ _Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair_

* * *

 

It starts like it usually does, in an off-the-wall bar in the deep trenches of the city - fresh from class and from the ear-deafening volume of her physics teacher Heechul. He usually likes torturing his students with useless trivia that somehow ends up on the next quiz, and there's sometimes a surprise girl group question that she could answer thanks to her roommate Jeongyeon, the de-facto Korean pop music expert.

 

It's her and her three ‘girl’ friends, if you could call them that - though a better and probably more appropriate term would be ‘sisters’. Fourteen years they've been together, fourteen years they've shared their troubles, their successes (the former more common than the latter). Stuck to the hip, their parents had said, and they can't say anything back since well...they are.

 

It had been Nayeon who met her first, the buck-toothed maniac who - in her earlier years - fancied mixing Fanta and Sprite, along with every other soda in the machine (not that that’s changed). It caused her many a sleepless nights, trying to calm down the girl from her sugar high - though it would usually be futile and she’d be resting in her bed, letting the girl become manic all throughout the night (she never had the patience to follow through).

 

(“When are you going to finish?”

 

“After this drink, I promise!" Nayeon says, chugging the giant cup of Coke and Mountain Dew.

 

“Whatever.”)

 

Then it was Jihyo, the one who actually knows how to calm everyone down - what with her boisterous voice that filled the room and the small, but intimidating presence that caused for some nice run-ins with the local bullies. She always beat them up. Although with her ‘girls’, she never used her strength for petty fights - no, it’s her voice that did the trick. Smooth, jazzy - it feels like you’re being massaged from the neck down, and your legs would turn into jelly. Her voice is magic.

 

(“Is she sleeping? What'd you do?”

 

Jihyo shrugs. “I have no idea. One minute I was talking to her, the next she’s snoring!”

 

“Weird. On another note, I am really drowsy at the moment.”)

 

Last, but certainly not least, was Sana, who she met under the cover of moonlight at the jungle gym of the playground. She’s the enigma of the group - the three of them could never figure her out. Unpredictable; you never know what's going to come out of that mouth. From flirtatious remarks that allowed for invites to some great parties in their high school days to vulgar cussing that even Jihyo has to shut up her up with “The Stare”, as they like to call it. Sana’s always been in her sights, watching her - seeing if the next move is something interesting (and it usually is).

 

(“The desk is just a desk.”

 

“What? What are you saying?”

 

“The desk is just a desk.”

 

“I don't fuc-”)

 

She takes a sip from her glass, the foam from the beer overflowing from the top. She asked for no foam but as always, the bartender is incompetent (wait, she shouldn't say that about Jeongyeon). She wonders why they still go here.

 

Oh right.

 

Because of her.

 

“Momo! How are you?” It's that familiar voice again, and she swears she could hear snickering from the others. It's the famous Kim Dahyun trying to court the ever elusive Hirai Momo!; they’re probably thinking. She hates her friends, but they're the only ones she's got.

 

She forces a smile as she turns around, noticing that the girl already has a hand on the back of her chair leaning in. She could smell the overpowering perfume that she could vaguely identify as llama, thanks to staying at a farm on her trip to Australia - her cousin Rosé (her real name Chaeyoung, but she doesn't like to confuse her with the struggling art major on her dorm floor) hosting her.

 

“Nothing much, you?”

 

“Oh you know, been winning national titles and all that.”

 

…

 

She's always been speechless when Dahyun starts to brag. She just doesn't get it; like seriously, she doesn't care if you hit a ball with a bat and it goes to the stands; she doesn't care if you shoot a ball and it goes into the hoop. But apparently, her buck-toothed friend, who has penchant for the athletics, can't help but wear her spirit clothing, chug a mix of Dr. Pepper and Sprite, march over to the stadium, and cheer with her sugar-powered yelling.

 

Dahyun’s the reason why Nayeon likes coming here.

 

She’s always been Nayeon’s type.

 

“Is Mina here?” Jihyo asks, helping out her friend who seems lost for words. Momo could instantly feel the eyes staring Jihyo down; Jihyo oblivious of the death stare directed at her from Nayeon.

 

Myoui Mina, Nayeon’s foil. They hate each other (well it’s honestly just Nayeon hating Mina, the latter not caring at all about who hates her or not), truly polar opposites. While Nayeon is loud and outgoing, Mina’s quiet and a homebody. She’s on the basketball team with Dahyun, but she never brags, never shows off - she just wins the game and goes home, back to her romance movies with her dog named Ray.

 

Honestly, Momo thinks Nayeon needs someone like Mina in her life - someone to settle her down, keep her grounded. It’s tough watching Nayeon just play around, doing whatever she wants, whoever she wants. She needs Mina, and she doesn’t know about Mina but Nayeon’s sure to make her life interesting (anyone’s really). It’s a win-win situation for everyone.

 

Nayeon just hates her out of spite (for spilling a drink on her). Irrational, really.

 

“She’s actually on her way. I know I know, you’re probably surprised, but her dog’s at the vet and she needs a distraction. She loves the damn thing, you know?”

 

Jihyo nods, and Momo takes a glance at Nayeon, whose head is in her hands - probably thinking of a way to get out of this place. It takes a moment, but her head darts up and she grabs the nearest beer bottle and chugs it - all twelve ounces at once.

 

When she sees the troubled girl reaching for another bottle, she reaches out - palming her wrist, telling her silently to stop. The distressed eyes that meet hers only say one thing: “Get me out of here.”

 

(or she’ll drink herself to forget)

 

Momo can’t say no.

 

She can never say no.

 

(When she hurls the girl’s arm over her shoulder, her other arm giving the girl much needed support, she doesn’t catch the gaze that’s been directed at her the whole time.

 

Soft but troubled. Affectionate but alarmed. Warm but heartbroken.

 

Momo wouldn’t understand her anyway.

 

No one ever does.)

 

* * *

 

The following morning is a blur for Momo. All she remembers is waking up on the couch with an arm draped around her abdomen as a snoring Nayeon drools over her clothes, the quiet breakfast that follows soon after, and the short yet awkward goodbye at the front door of the apartment.

 

Sitting on the couch, dejected - Momo fills the time by staring off into the distance, thinking about how she’s doing this, whatever it is, all wrong.

 

She still can’t get over her stupid crush on the brunette. She knows she should give up, yes, but whenever the girl looks so weak and disheveled in front of her - she just can’t help but bring her home and take care of her. She’s a fucking loser and she knows it; she’s a living, eating, breathing pile of spinelessness.

 

She should just forget it, but it’s too hard and she knows Nayeon doesn’t feel the same.

 

Momo runs a hand through her black tresses, and waves the phone in front of her face - pondering whether or not she should call the ‘mother’ or the ‘enigma’ of the group to discuss this.

 

They know about Nayeon and her feelings, and they’ve been fully supportive.

 

She starts with Jihyo, but after a few unanswered rings, she gives up - her thumb already hovering over Sana’s contact a moment later.

 

Sana always answers her calls.

 

“It happened again didn’t it?”

 

Momo sighs. “Yeah, it’s the couch this time.”

 

“Drool?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh, so she must be dreaming about Dahyun then.”

 

“What? How do you even-nevermind. I’ll never understand what you’re saying.”

 

“Ok, then understand this. It’s the fifteenth call of this type; I've been counting. The type where you’re in a dilemma of confessing or not, the type where you’re in love with your best friend-”

 

“I’m not in love with her,” Momo interjects.

 

“Right and I’m not the most confusing person you’ve ever met. You’re a freaking mess.” Momo hears a sigh on the other line before she speaks again. “Okay look, I don’t want to be your go-to outlet of your stress. It’s already hard knowing that the person I...” Sana pauses. “Anyway, get it together. Who knows? She might be taken soon.”

 

Momo bites her lip as she sighs, letting Sana's words sink in.

 

“Also, Jackson’s party is at seven. You know where it is right?”

 

She hums.

 

“Well I've got to go, I'll see you.”

 

Momo’s about to put her phone down if not for the words that come next.

 

“Oh and Momo?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sometimes Momo dreams she’s falling and instead of splattering on the asphalt, she’s taken in by soft, warm arms - saving her, embracing her.

 

But they weren't Nayeon’s.

 

And it scares Momo.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Imagine this; Nayeon chugging fifteen different types of alcohol mixed into one cup, said girl getting wasted, running over to where Myoui Mina is, and giving the deepest, most passionate kiss Momo’s ever seen.

 

And the worst part is? Mina returned it.

 

She sighs, cupping her drink in her hand - firm but not enough to crush it.

 

She’s next to the pool, behind some bushes. It’s the only place, next to the roof, that no one goes to. Well, since Nayeon’s apparent ‘relationship’, the roof’s occupied at the current moment. It used to be her and Nayeon’s secret spot whenever they go to Jackson’s.

 

Fucking hell she could see them making out.

 

She sets her cup down beside her, putting her face into her hands. She screams into them, venting out her frustration at her inability to step up. She’s just lost her chance; she blew it.

 

A tap on her shoulder, concerned eyes, and Momo can't imagine anyone else she’d rather be with right now.

 

“Thank you,” Momo mutters - her head on her best friend’s lap, said girl running a hand through Momo’s hair.

 

“No problem. It's pretty surprising though,” Sana replies, her gaze directed down at the dejected girl. “I thought it'd be you.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Actually no, I thought it was going to be your roommate. You don't have the guts.”

 

Momo groans as she crumples further into Sana, her head nestled deep within her best friend’s stomach.

 

“I thought you'd be nice this time,” Momo says muffled.

 

Sana scoffs. “When have I ever been nice?”

 

Momo stays silent, preferring to bury her face into Sana’s shirt. She doesn’t cry or rather, she can’t cry. It’s her fault and the weight of failure just doesn’t allow her to shed a tear. Maybe she could’ve done something more, no, she should’ve done something.

 

“The party’s still on, do you want to stay?”

 

She shakes her head as she hugs Sana’s waist. She breathes in, taking in a waft of Sana’s scent. Strange, she remembers Sana likes wearing vanilla perfume, but this, this is peppermint with a tinge of grass. It's oddly calming.

 

Being with Sana is calming.

 

“Do you want me to take you home?”

 

She nods.

 

(It's unusual, being the one taken home is. She wonders if Nayeon always felt like this whenever she takes her home.

 

She feels safe.)

 

 

* * *

 

 

The dreams start to brighten; she could vaguely make out the setting.

 

It's her couch oddly enough, but when she looks up to see her savior’s face, the dream starts to blur and it fades to black.

 

It continues like that every time she encounters the dream, but she’s not complaining; it's progress.

 

She’s not scared that it's not Nayeon, but she's scared that it's someone she knows.

 

She's also scared that she remembers every bit of the dream when she wakes up.

 

 

* * *

 

 

A month passes, and Momo finds herself avoiding her buck-toothed friend every chance she gets. Whenever the latter would ask to hang out, she would find some way to escape - mostly thanks to Sana. She would use the other Japanese girl as an excuse - often saying that she’s working at the food bank with her.

 

However, Sana found out and now she's scooping up grub to give to the local homeless people. The girl is so damn scary when she's mad, quiet isn't in the odd girl’s vocabulary.

 

“Pass the salt.” Sana points to the container and Momo obliges. “Thanks.”

 

As Sana seasons the chicken, Momo’s sweeping the floor - humming a tune akin to Mozart’s Fifth Symphony. Their shift is over, and it's nighttime - so they're tasked with cleaning up and preparing for tomorrow.

 

“She called me again, asked if you were here.”

 

Momo stops sweeping, head up to look at Sana. “And? What'd you say?”

 

“Well, you're here aren't you?”

 

“Right.” Her eyes waver as she looks down to continue sweeping.

 

She hears Sana exhale and from that, she braces herself for what Sana’s about to say. The black-haired girl’s been irritant lately, and she's been on the receiving end of most of the girl’s rants.

 

“Are you done?”

 

Momo stops. “Sweeping? I still have the table over-”

 

“You know that's not what I mean.”

 

She sighs, and she sets aside the broom against the counter - leaning on said counter a moment later.

 

She doesn't say anything at first, but she sees the look on her concerned friend’s face and her facade crumbles.

 

“I don't know Sana. Every time I see her, you know? I just can't…” Her shoulders slump, but they tense when she feels a hand on one of them.

 

“She’s been crying.” At that, Momo’s head darts up - catching that Sana’s eyes turned from stern to soft. “She talked to me; she wouldn't talk to Mina about it, even when the girl asked. She said that apart from Mina, we’re the only ones she's got. To think that you're drifting apart from her, she’s losing it.”

 

Momo lowers her head, watching her feet shift in place. So many thoughts are running through her head, calculating all the different types of possibilities, outcomes that may come from this.

 

Her voice trembling, she says, “W-What would you have me do?”

 

Sana shrugs. “She’s our friend, you know how she is. Give her some Fanta and Sprite, she’ll be ecstatic.”

 

Momo’s lips upturn at the suggestion. Nayeon would like that.

 

She looks up, nodding. “I think I'll do that. Tomorrow, I mean.”

 

Sana takes the broom in her hands, her lips curling up into a smile also.

 

“I'll finish up here. You go and take a rest before your big day.”

 

Momo nods before she pushes up from the counter, untying the apron tied to her waist. She hangs it up on the hook on the door before she grabs the doorknob, stopping as she looks back at Sana, who’s still looking at her with an expression she’s never seen before from the other Japanese.

 

She recognizes it very well; she’s seen it many times from herself.

 

(Yearning)

 

Momo doesn't think too much of it.

 

“Thanks for the help, with the sweeping and the advice I guess.”

 

Sana looks away, turning herself to the seasoned chicken ready to be put in the refrigerator.

 

“Go already, its eleven.”

 

She opens the door, receiving the cold breeze of the back alley. She takes another look back, but Sana’s not looking at her.

 

“Goodnight Sana.”

 

Sana doesn't answer back.

 

She leaves.

 

(Tears aren't meant for seasoning)

 

 

* * *

 

 

It doesn't take much for Nayeon to leap into her arms again. She would be elated if not for the pair of amused eyes watching them next to the group of friend’s Christmas photos.

 

She taps Nayeon on the shoulder, uncomfortable from the gaze directed at her, and Nayeon releases her from her embrace. Her head darts every second or so to the girl in the corner as she talks to Nayeon, catching up - making up for lost time.

 

She stops the conversation mid sentence.

 

“Nayeon, you’re...Mina keeps looking at us.”

 

Nayeon turns her head, but she doesn't see what Momo saw. Her girlfriend is fully occupied gushing over the main lead in Goblin on the television. She turns back to Momo, completely confused on what just happened.

 

“Are you high?”

 

(Might as well be)

 

Mina’s looking at her again, eyes full of something that Momo wishes she hasn't mistaken for lust.

 

“Momo, did you hear what I said?”

 

She instantly turns her attention back to Nayeon, her buck-toothed friend frustrated by the lack of response she gets from the Japanese.

 

“I'm sorry, a little off today.”

 

Nayeon sighs. “I said Mina’s coming with us to the bar tonight, you're fine with that right?”

 

“Why wouldn't I be?” Yeah why wouldn’t she-oh…

 

Nayeon thought she was avoiding her because she doesn't like Mina, that's cute. Mina’s cool, nice to talk even - she wouldn't have a problem with the other foreigner.

 

Well, that is until the girl started giving her looks that make her squirm.

 

“Good, I just thought…” Nayeon waves away the thought. “Anyway, let's get some free drinks from your roommate now.”

 

Momo giggles as Nayeon takes her wrist, leading her to the door. Mina follows from behind, not forgetting to close the tv and the lights.

 

She could still feel the stare pointed at her, and she makes a mental note to fix whatever this is, whatever Mina's trying to do.

 

Because honestly, having Nayeon as unrequited love is enough for her love life.

 

She really doesn't want to have another problem, a beautiful problem if she may add, and she's going to find a way to solve it.

 

(And she's sure Fanta and Sprite isn't enough to solve this one)

 

God, she needs to talk to Sana about this.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The bathroom stall; the location where shit happens, literally.

 

Hushed voices, hunched backs, and urgent tones - Sana speaks fast, letting out everything she needs to say as if they don't have much time.

 

Momo had taken her back, to the potted fern adjacent to the bathroom - informing her of the events just prior to their meeting at the bar. It would be an understatement to say Sana was shocked; she was shook, completely taken aback - like a bull ramming into her ribcage as if she was wearing red all over.

 

So after a stern grip on her arm and a more-than rough tug, Momo finds herself cowering in front of the towering Sana as she warns her about the dangers of adultery.

 

She honestly doesn't need the warning, but Sana’s the type to not stop talking even if she is told not to.

 

“I've got it Sana, thanks.”

 

Sana huffs, crossing her arms as she sits on the toilet, seat cover down. Her eyes, Momo notices, has never looked so infuriated, like a child getting his favorite toy stolen.

 

It's honestly sexy, but Momo doesn't dare say that.

 

She’d be on the receiving end of a smack, she thinks.

 

“That girl better leave you alone…” Sana mutters something else but Momo couldn't quite hear it.

 

(You're mine)

 

Momo leans against the stall door, crossing her arms like Sana did. She looks at the little scribbles on the walls - finding that people like to ask questions.

 

Yes or no. Have you vaped?

 

Mark one line under this if you've had sex in the bathroom.

 

Momo finds herself beet red as she sees thirteen marks. Her eyes catch another question, and she almost chuckles at how it relates to her.

 

Are you in love with your best friend?

 

She fails to see Sana looking at the same question.

 

(Yes, they both think)

 

 

* * *

 

 

Momo is smart, okay that's a lie. She’s definitely on the lower end of the GPA scale.

 

She may not be book smart. However, she is rather good at solving other types of problems - problems that don't involve integrals or finding the circumference of the moon using a matchstick.

 

(the fuck Heechul)

 

Today, her problem is one Myoui Mina, the girlfriend of her best friend Im Nayeon.

 

She's not going to lie, Myoui Mina is one attractive human being. If her will was any weaker than it already is - she'd already have the girl up against the wall as she attacks her with little pecks on her neck.

 

Stop imagining, Momo.

 

Momo sits, cross legged on Nayeon’s couch - as Mina glances at her from time to time, watching Goblin on the tv. It's been routine, this sort of situation - and Momo thinks Mina’s enjoying it, having seen the basketball star smirking at the scarlet hue invading her face.

 

If it weren't for Nayeon, Momo would say she is enjoying it too. It helps her forget about Nayeon herself, ironic since every time she thinks of Mina - she’s thinking of her best friend right after.

 

How she wishes she could go back to the time Nayeon hated Mina; she wonders how Nayeon could change so quickly.

 

Momo thought she liked Dahyun.

 

“Dahyun’s coming over, she's excited to see you Momo.”

 

Speak of the devil.

 

Momo groans, having forgotten about the star athlete that once tried to court her. She disappeared ever since she started avoiding Nayeon, and she thinks her bunny-like friend had something to do with Dahyun’s appearance all along. She’ll never pry though; she knows how that would end up.

 

(with a lot of yelling)

 

“How great. Another night of one-sided flirting. Do we have beer? I think I’ll need it.”

 

Nayeon guffaws, clutching her stomach while she laughs. She nods, pointing to the fridge, and Momo gets up from her seat to get some alcohol. When she comes back, Nayeon’s head is lying on Mina’s lap while the latter strokes the former’s hair.

 

“She’s not coming to see you Momo.”

 

She honestly doesn’t see any other reason why the annoying athlete would come. She raises a brow, taking a seat by the couple - setting the beer down on the coffee table.

 

She ignores Mina’s sultry look.

 

“Then what is it?”

 

Nayeon’s quick to answer. “Sana.  They’ve been hanging out lately - Dahyun’s been giving her some advice or so she says. I've bet money with Mina here, ten bucks to be exact, that they’re getting together. Another ten whether Dahyun or Sana confessed first.”

 

Tongue in cheek, Momo doesn’t fancy the idea one bit. If anything, she should be the one with Sana; she’s the only one that could handle her unpredictable best friend. She inwardly laughs, remembering her mischievous times with the other japanese.

 

“They wouldn’t last one week.”

 

“That’s what I said,” Mina butts in, and she presses a finger on her girlfriend’s forehead. “But this fool keeps on trying to get them together, and I can’t believe it’s working.”

 

“It’s working because they’re good together. If they didn’t like each other, they wouldn’t hang out with each other, right?” She pushes Mina’s finger away from her forehead, rubbing the red mark it leaves.

 

Mina scrunches her nose, folding her arms across her chest. She’s sulking, and if it weren’t for Nayeon, Momo would honestly want to pinch those cheeks that huff and puff from losing in an argument.

 

“Sana’s a handful, Nayeon. Are you sure Dahyun can handle her?”

 

Nayeon smiles, as if she's remembering something happy, delightful.

 

“Have I told you I had a crush on Dahyun a couple of months ago?”

 

Momo could honestly laugh at the question, and if Sana and Jihyo were here - they would laugh too. Nayeon’s too obvious; she wears her heart on her sleeve. Her moves are clear, and everyone could see that her buck-toothed friend had the hots for the star athlete.

 

“Even I knew you had a crush on Dahyun, Nayeon.” Mina’s the first to answer. “You’re always at our practices, and if it weren’t for the cookies that you bake - you would have been kicked out a lot sooner. You cheer too loud. Seolhyun wanted to drag you out herself.”

 

The doorbell rings, dispelling the tension that would have caused a cat-fight in the living room. Momo gets up, leaving the couple to quietly mutter insults to each other, and heads to open the door. Hearing murmuring from outside, she recognizes Sana’s voice.

 

Momo smiles; she’s missed Sana.

 

“Hey Sana! Long time no…” She looks to the intertwined hands, then to Dahyun. “...see.”

 

It's not supposed to feel this way is it? This feeling of dread and impending doom, because she thinks that the way her heart beats and the way her stomach churns isn't normal for a healthy, twenty something like her.

 

Her gaze turns back to the intertwined hands, and a voice rings out from behind - Nayeon's.

 

“Hey, you guys are here! Come in.” Nayeon's still on the couch, posture straight as she draws circles on Mina’s thigh.

 

Momo feels like she shouldn't be here, like the invitation only spreads to couples. Funny, since she's thought about getting it on with every single one of them, maybe except for Sana - she's too precious, innocent to be corrupted. Yes, she's even thought of Dahyun, who wouldn't? The star athlete isn't popular for nothing; she must be talented in many different fields. Then, she realized how annoying Dahyun is and waved the thought away.

 

She follows the new guests, watching how their hands wiggle against each other - how their bodies are almost touching. She doesn't realize she's been staring till she could practically feel Mina’s lustful gaze touching her skin. She looks away.

 

Momo exhales heavily, reaching for her beer on the coffee table - she’s going to need it to get through this night.

 

This ordeal with Sana and Mina is confusing the hell out of her.

 

“What's with the...?” Nayeon points at Sana and Dahyun’s hands. The star athlete smiles at the question, raising the object in question.

 

“We’re together.”

 

Nayeon's the first to scream. “I fucking knew it!” She raises an open palm to Mina, telling her to pay up.

 

Mina ignores the hand. “Who confessed?” Dahyun points to Sana, and Mina gives a smirk to her girlfriend, whose hand retracts - grunting in frustration.

 

Mouth ajar, eyes focusing on said hands, the news is a shock - and she swears that her heart is about to jump out of her chest with the way it's beating and her stomach is going to explode with the way it rumbles in despair. It's getting worse, and Momo wants to curl up and cry.

 

The way Sana looks at her - Momo notices; it's like she’s silently telling her something. The way the eyes curl down, the way her lips frown, the way the gaze lingers longer than it’s supposed to - as if sadness itself possessed her.

 

Momo thinks that a person shouldn't look this way when their relationship has been announced, and it bothers her. There’s something up, something going on with this.

 

Sana’s defaultly happy, and when she's not - Momo finds and destroys the reason why. That's how it's always been; Momo protecting Sana, like a white knight.

 

However, she's not going to ruin such a moment today.

 

She claps her hands together. “Finally! Dahyun is off my back!”

 

Momo has always been a natural at keeping her emotions in check, unlike Sana who tells it how it is.

 

She gets a light hit from Dahyun. “You tell that to yourself, Momo. I’ve never been on you in the first place.”

 

“Well, thank you god you weren’t because I’m sure you’re heavy.”

 

Dahyun scoffs. “Did you just call me fat? You oblivious piece of-”

 

“Whoa there!” A voice from the door calls out, and Momo could instantly feel her eyelids drooping. God, she still has this effect on her. Their heads turn to the figure at the door who sports a raised brow.

 

Jihyo closes the door behind her as she cautiously steps to where the rest of the party is - eyes scanning the problem. She sees Momo’s clenched hands, Nayeon’s red face, Mina’s gaze towards the eldest Japanese, the intertwined hands and Sana’s forlorn face that accompanies it.

 

Like a Goddess, she understands everything. Now the problem is fixing it, and she's sad that's it her job to. Afterall, she is the ‘mom’ of the group. Her three friends are a handful.

 

“I suppose that little altercation was playful? No hard feelings? No...veiled meanings behind the words?”

 

Dahyun coughs into her fist. She clears her throat. “No Jihyo-ssi. It's Momo, we’re just playing around.”

 

Jihyo turns to Momo, expecting the same kind of answer.

 

Momo nods, and she wishes no one notices the large gulp that she takes. It's pathetic, she thinks, to be scared of one your best friends. Though, she knows no one would blame her.

 

Jihyo turns to the rest of the group, a bright smile on her face. “Full house, let’s eat. I called in pizza.”

 

Momo exchanges a look with Dahyun, like troops getting a call from headquarters that they're coming home. They exchange a light fist bump before the athlete takes Sana’s hand in hers - leading her to the couch, where Mina and Nayeon still sit.

 

She catches Mina’s gaze once again, but after a moment, she looks away - the thought of betraying one of your best friends more pervasive than getting it on with said friend’s girlfriend.

 

The couch is now occupied by the two couples while Jihyo’s surveying the fridge, possibly looking for some light appetizers that she could eat before the pizza comes.

 

Momo steps closer to Jihyo, resting on the counter beside the fridge, quietly drinking the beer that's become one of her best friends. It doesn't talk, annoy her, and stress her out. While it doesn't necessarily taste good, it helps her forget about carnal desires and jealous ties while also being refreshing.

 

Thinking about it, beer is pretty amazing.

 

“I see how you look at her, and I trust you see how she looks at you?”

 

“I know. I don't want to betray Nayeon.”

 

Jihyo giggles. She finds some leftover calamari, and she closes the fridge - standing up to look Momo straight in the eye.

 

“I was talking about Sana but sure, let's talk about Mina first.”

 

Jihyo heads over to where the plates are, and places the calamari on a plate - setting the time of the microwave before she presses start to heat her snack.

 

A minute thirty.

 

When she turns around, she finds Momo biting her lip, probably apprehensive, probably thinking too much about this situation. It's honestly simple and elementary. However, knowing her friends, they tend to make things harder than it's supposed to be when the only possible solution to all of this is just talking it out.

 

“I'm not going to tell you what to do Momo. I think you already know.”

 

“But then what?”

 

Jihyo crosses her arms. “Then what?” She gets closer. “You have to choose someone to hurt.”

 

Momo tilts her head in confusion. “What?”

 

Jihyo smiles, almost mockingly.“You heard me. One way or another, you're going to end up hurting someone you care about and you know that. You can only have one or the other, Momo. Just yesterday, Nayeon plagued your thoughts every single day. I don't get how you could just switch so quickly like this.”

 

Momo pinches the bridge of her nose in frustration. Jihyo’s right; she doesn't know what's going on. She doesn't know why her heart acts on its own, why it's gone rogue. Maybe it's her conversation with Nayeon and Mina tonight about Sana that pushed her over the edge. Maybe she's liked her all along, and the thought of her being taken away is just unbearable.

 

Then again, it's a maybe.

 

With Mina, she's more of mystery than Sana herself. That's saying something. It's a complete one eighty to the Mina she knows; the quiet, reserved homebody. She now spends more time with Nayeon and Momo than she does watching sappy romance movies, and she argues a lot more than Momo thought she would've.

 

Both of these girls have gotten in her head, and she's not sure if she likes it.

 

“Yeah, okay. I'll think about it. Thanks Jihyo.”

 

The microwave alerts that the calamari is heated. Jihyo points a lazy finger behind her, her smiling face still beaming those pearly whites at her.

 

“Times up, Love Consultant Jihyo pleased to be of service.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Her Love Consultant is a pain in the ass, but at least she’s free so Momo can't complain too much.

 

With constant texts and intermittent calls, Momo can't find some alone time for herself - always bombarded by the notifications on her phone. She's thought about turning it off, but then she remembers when they were younger and how Jihyo would barge into her room whenever she didn't answer her texts. Momo doesn't think Jihyo would do the same now, but she wouldn't put it past her.

 

A thought comes into her mind the next time another text comes.

 

It's of Mina.

 

As she reads the text, mulling over the digital pixels that paint her phone, Momo feels a sense of urgency and panic. Her stomach doesn't rumble as loudly as it used to, but her heart still pounds against her chest - like a drum solo in a metal band.

 

It reads, I think Nayeon doesn't like Mina as much as we thought.

 

Momo’s always prided herself for making the right decisions. It's as if she calculates everything in her mind, simulating every outcome of any situation. So far, it's worked, but with this, Momo’s stumped, completely stupefied.

 

She doesn't reply back, and she dismisses the idea that Jihyo could come knocking on her door any minute. She doesn't care; she needs to think.

 

Jihyo had told her in one of her hundreds of texts that the only way to solve this is to talk to one of them. Momo asked what to say, but all she got was a shrug emoji and a text back that said “idk”.

 

This problem is Professor Heechul level of difficulty.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Momo finds herself walking under the moon, its light illuminating the playground she used to run around in. She remembers the place very well, finding that not much has changed, except for the seesaw that was replaced by a set of swings. She reaches the edge of the jungle gym, her fingers lightly grazing it's metal bars as she runs her hand at them.

 

This place always helped her think when she was younger.

 

She finds that that has never changed.

 

“I wondered when I'd meet you here again.” That voice; Momo smiles. She turns around to find the odd girl hugging her own body, the tank top that she's wearing doing nothing to help her with cool, night breeze barraging her body.

 

“And I thought you said you hated this place,” Momo replies. She points with her thumb behind. “It wasn't the jungle’s fault you fell to the ground and scraped your knee. You were always clumsy.”

 

Sana comes closer, resting her back against the metal bars. Momo does the same.

 

“How’s Dahyun?”

 

She hears the odd girl sigh, and Momo looks over - only to find that the other japanese is looking down, probably thinking about her times with the star athlete.

 

Momo realizes that whatever Dahyun is doing with Sana must cause some sort of sadness within for the odd girl. Not everyone starts becoming glum when they hear their partner’s name; Sana must not like Dahyun, and Momo internally jumps in joy at the realization. She’s still confused, however, why Sana’s still with the athlete.

 

“She's fine, I guess.”

 

Momo purses her lips, opening her mouth to confront her about it, but nothing comes out. She sighs, feeling nervous.

 

“It hasn't changed much has it? The playground I mean,” Sana cuts through the silence.

 

She hums. “The seesaw’s gone though. I loved that thing. You always wanted me to play with you there.”

 

Sana scoffs. “Please. If I hated the jungle gym, you hated the seesaw. I always made you spend your time on the ground while I was up in the sky.”

 

You were happy, that's more than enough for me.

 

Momo waves away the thought, feeling as though any more thoughts like that and she'd have Sana right here, right now. She's already struggling not to kiss the younger girl.

 

“Are you happy? With Dahyun?”

 

Momo wishes she could just rip out her tongue, sew her mouth shut, put duct tape over it, and place her tongue in a maximum security prison for the crime that it has just done. Yeah, she's curious, hella interested in what's going on in Sana’s somewhat active love life.

 

She doesn't realize Sana’s made her way in front of her, arms crossed, as she looks with those brown orbs to the eldest Japanese.

 

A question comes, and Momo is left wondering.

 

“Do you still love Nayeon?”

 

A question for a question. It's easy, this problem is easy. With Mina and Sana, she's forgotten all about Nayeon. Still, she keeps Nayeon tucked away deep in her heart, as if she's earned special place there.

 

“No I-” is the last thing she manages to say when a pair of lips crashes into hers.

 

Momo’s trapped between Sana and the jungle gym, the odd girl gripping the back of her neck like her life depended on it. She melts within the kiss, eyes closed, as Sana leads.

 

Sana starts with her top lip, nibbling on it, while the hand at the back of Momo’s neck draws circles. A tongue asks for entrance, and Momo is more than happy to oblige, and it explores her mouth wildly before her grip on Sana’s tank top lessens - letting her arm dangle freely beside her.

 

She’s completely surrendered herself to Sana.

 

Sana is suckling on her bottom lip before she pulls back, eyes locking to each other with such intensity Momo might melt a second time.

 

Breathless, Sana answers her question.

 

“No, I'm not happy.”

 

Momo nods, not finding the energy to answer back - having it all sucked out of her. It takes a few moments for them to catch their breath, and they stand beside each other once again - leaning on the jungle gym where they first met.

 

“Why'd you kiss me?”

 

“I was curious,” Sana says. “Your lips looked tasty.”

 

Momo gives her a look before she bursts into laughter - the sound ringing throughout the empty playground, permeating to the neighborhood surrounding it. Again, she finds herself breathless, and she looks to Sana few moments later after she catches her breath to see the look of confusion on the odd girl’s face.

 

“Y-You, you haven't changed a bit, have you Sana?”

 

Sana gives a slight smile before she nods. “I guess I haven't.”

 

The silence that comes after only serves as a buffer to what comes next, because they know that this kiss isn’t as innocent as they thought; it was too intense. There are consequences to these types of things.

 

“Was it real?” Momo asks, referring to the kiss, that passionate kiss. She’s trying to confirm her feelings - the beating in her heart the only music playing in the silence.

 

She looks to Sana whose face is void of any emotion, mysterious like herself. It scares Momo, She doesn't know how the gears in the odd girl’s mind are turning at this current moment. For the whole time that they've been together, Momo had only been able to make sense of three things from the odd girl: love advice, party invitations, and food time. Sana might say something that’ll just leave her puzzling, and she won't be able to put the pieces together.

 

Here it comes.

 

“I was working at library this past weekend as the receptionist. Late night shift, I had to come to the dorm early morning. I had noticed this kid, no older than us, reading a book. I had first ignored him, written him off as a studious kid and nothing else. He was reading some book about familial love, never turning the page, just looking at that single page for what seemed like ages. Then he started crying, but he still didn't turn the page.”

 

Momo sighs; Sana’s saying something enigmatic again, and she's trying to understand it, but her brain cells aren't working correctly today (or any day for that matter).

 

“So I went up to him and asked him what's wrong. He told me his parents died, and so I looked down and saw a picture of a family smiling, a Christmas card. He must've been devastated. Then he turns the page, and he’s crying but he's smiling at the comforting words.”

 

Sana stops, and Momo tries to get it, however hard it is.

 

“I hope you understand,” Sana says before she pushes off the jungle gym, walking away from Momo.

 

Momo thinks, and she's trying to quell the fire in her heart started by Sana’s analogy.

 

Then, like a light bulb, she understands.

 

Then she frowns.

 

She just got rejected.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The way Heechul smiles while he’s reciting girl group names is sickening.

 

Still, Momo writes the names down - having learned that at least two thirds of the groups he’s saying would end up on the quiz that they have in three days. However by the fourteenth group he's named, she's dropped her pen and is staring up at the ceiling.

 

She's out of it today - the events of last night haunting her like a constant nightmare.

 

She's run out of words, having used all of them on Sana yesterday, and her responses today just consist of a number of different types of grunts that somehow Nayeon understood earlier this morning.

 

One thing is for certain, her relationship with Sana will never be the same - not after that kiss, not after that rejection. Although Momo never clearly asked her, she knows Sana dismissed her - told her that while she may have liked Momo once, she’s moved on.

 

She doesn't know if it's the truth or rather she misinterpreted Sana’s analogy.

 

Momo’s still stumped, and Jihyo's advice of talking didn't work - not when you're talking to someone like Sana, who likes answering with confusing analogies and puzzling riddles.

 

She sighs before she turns her attention back to the piece of paper, having missed nine groups that Heechul has named.

 

She hears Heechul say another name, and she decides something.

 

She's going to ask Sana for a clearer answer - twice if she has to.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The dream is getting clearer, but still, the face of her savior is still blurred out.

 

She feels her hand caress her face, but Momo doesn't recognize the touch.

 

She doesn't recognize the touch.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Momo’s immune to Jihyo’s voice, though there are times in which that immunity weakens, and she’s left drowsy and sleepy.

 

However this time, she doesn't have to worry about that - the volume her friend is turned up to certainly calls for some ear plugs. It isn't pleasant, to say the least.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? Dahyun is there, right the fuck now, inside the dorm.” Jihyo never swears; this is serious. “You fucking kissed Sana, what were you thinking?”

 

Momo’s quick to answer. “First off, she kissed me, I just let her.” Jihyo gives an exasperated grunt. “Second, she said she wasn't happy with Dahyun.” Jihyo tilts her head, puzzled. “Third, I think she rejected me.”

 

Jihyo purses her lips at the information. “You have to tell Dahyun or she’s going to find out by herself.”

 

Momo leans on the wall, the hallway empty save for the murmuring, before she crosses her arms across her chest. Sighing, she gives a look to Jihyo - but the stern look that the motherly figure gives her makes her look away in shame.

 

“She’s going to hate me.”

 

“You have to tell her. It’s not fair,” Jihyo prods on.

 

Momo nods, having made up her mind about all this. She pushes herself off the wall, making her way to Nayeon’s dorm room where all of them are hanging out. When she has a hand on the knob, a warm hand grabs her wrist. She looks back, catching Jihyo isn’t done talking.

 

With a whisper, Jihyo says, “Anything happened with Mina?”

 

Momo shakes her head. “I haven’t had the chance to talk to her. I’m too caught up with Sana right now.”

 

Jihyo releases her grip, nodding. “Let’s go inside, and don’t forget to tell her.”

 

“I won’t.”

 

(She won’t)

 

 

* * *

 

 

Momo hasn’t noticed before, but the more she hangs out with people, the more she’s takes on their habits and they take on hers. She first noticed it when she got herself wasted and started kissing people like Sana does when she’s drunk. Then, it was when she scolded Mina for not washing the dish that she ate from like how Jihyo does. Lastly, it was when she started pouring whiskey and beer in the same cup to drink from like how Nayeon does.

 

Sana’s avoiding her, and Momo knows because...she avoided Nayeon. Sana always used to confront her about everything, and now she’s avoiding her like how Momo avoids her problems.

 

So Momo’s trying to corner her.

 

It's the janitor’s closet this time, the last time was the food bank (but Sana didn't even hear her from the rush hour). Trapped between what Momo thinks is laundry detergent and a couple of dirty brooms, Sana looks expectantly at the eldest Japanese.

 

Do the scary thing first. Get scared later.

 

“You’re avoiding me,” Momo declares, trapping the odd girl between two firm, steadfast arms. “Why?”

 

Momo notices the large gulp Sana takes, and she knows she's been caught red-handed for her crimes against...Momo.

 

“You,” Sana starts, and Momo’s breath hitches. “Make me feel things, okay? Things I don't necessarily like to feel.”

 

“What don't you like?” Momo’s voice is calm, unlike the insides of her brain that is like a hurricane rampaging through a poor suburban town - racking and rattling up ideas on what to say and how to say it.

 

“How much I...like you,” Sana confesses, a red tint invading her pale face. She looks away from Momo’s intense orbs, preferring to stare at the cover of a Mr. Clean bottle that just gave her thumbs up. She internally cringes from the irony and wishes for him to stop mocking her.

 

Momo pushes off the wall, releasing Sana from her clutches, leaning on the other wall for support because she knows her legs won't be able to hold her up much longer. Momo had a hunch ever since she was young, you see, buried in the back of her mind, that Sana held some sort of feelings, romantic feelings. To hear it from the source, however, fills her with such nerve-racking, heart-pounding feelings.

 

Now she’s about to say something back, if not for the door opening revealing a very shocked basketball star named Myoui Mina.

 

“Mina,” Momo manages to whisper before the basketball star runs out on them - turning the corner and disappearing with tears in her eyes.

 

She looks to Sana, whose face wields the same emotions as she does - full of urgency and panic. It's not because Mina knows, no, it's much more serious than that.

 

It's because Mina headed in the direction of the basketball court.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Fuck fuck fuck!”

 

Momo is a runner. Sana, however, isn't; she hasn't won a race in her lifetime (if you don't count the time she won against her form teacher in middle school to get the last apple in the grocery store).

 

And Sana, like Momo, isn't so smart to think on the fly.

 

Honestly, if they wanted to get to the basketball court in time before Mina manages to call them out, Momo wouldn't be piggy-backing the odd girl as she runs through the hallways.

 

The looks people give them are nothing but pure bewilderment.

 

“Go faster Momo!”

 

Momo gives her a frustrated look, legs still pedaling away. “I'm sorry but you're heavy!”

 

“Did you just call me fat? You have a habit of doing that and it's really-”

 

“Can we not have this conversation right now? I'm dying here!”

 

“Right I'm sorry.”

 

They round the corner, eyes hopeful as they see the open gym door and hear the sounds of basketball shoes skidding. In a burst of pure speed, powered by Momo’s undying will - they reach the gym door, Sana hopping off as quick as she can while Momo slumps on the wall next to the door - completely breathless.

 

However, the sight that they expected doesn't greet them.

 

Mina’s on the bench, next to their coach, watching the scrimmage between the white and black shirted team - probably thinking about strategies and formations for the team. She doesn't seem the least bothered that there was just two random strangers flying into the gym screaming bloody murder. No, she's Myoui Mina, and she's calm like she always is.

 

Sana stops, shooting Momo a look who's slumped to the ground, and she mouths a “What do we do?”

 

Momo looks past Sana’s figure, seeing Mina stare at her with such scrutiny before she sees the basketball star mouth back a “We’ll talk later.”

 

Now Momo supposes that sentence is only meant for since the next thing Mina does is stare at Sana next and mouth something along the lines of “Go and Dahyun.” Momo isn't a rocket scientist but she thinks Mina wants Sana to go to Dahyun.

 

When Sana reaches the white-shirted female who's completely oblivious that Sana or Momo is there, she embraces her with such ferocity that Momo has to look away - the pain in her heart more than enough to keep her head turned.

 

It hurts.

 

When Dahyun smiles, Momo gets up and leaves, failing to catch the gaze of two people who love her very much and one who used to.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Momo doesn't answer Jihyo’s texts anymore.

 

Or anyone else's for that matter.

 

She doesn't need the company of anyone except for the beer in her hand, the chips in the other, and the television that plays Goblin (and it reminds of Mina and she cringes).

 

She also doesn't need her roommate harping on her about going outside for some air.

 

“You drunk?” Her roommate Jeongyeon asks. “Get drunk at the bar, pay for my tuition.”

 

Momo scoffs. “And drink that water downed crap? No thank you.” She raises her beer bottle. “This is moonshine. I got it from Chaeyoung’s roommate, Tzuyu was it? I know right? Remarkable!”

 

Jeongyeon sits on the edge of her bed, plucking said beer bottle out of the girl’s hands.

 

“You're definitely drunk. I'm not letting you drink anymore.”

 

Momo whines, “You're not my bartender! You can't just cut me off like you do at the bar.”

 

Jeongyeon gives a slight smile. “Yeah but I'm your friend, and you look like shit.”

 

“My friends don't insult me.”

 

“Well I'm the first,” Jeongyeon retorts, setting the beer bottle at her bedside table. “And your phone has been ringing non stop ever since you came home last night. Problems with the group? I know how much they care about you.”

 

“Probably a bit too much…” Momo mumbles.

 

“What was that?”

 

“Nothing,” Momo quickly says. She offers her chips to Jeongyeon who refuses them, stating that she’d rather not have junk food at eleven o’clock. “One of them likes me and one of their girlfriends likes me. It's a mess.”

 

Jeongyeon shakes her head, smiling. “Sounds like it. Hey look, come to the bar and have a drink.” Momo gives her look. “A non-alcoholic one, my treat.”

 

Momo nods.

 

(When she tries to get up, her legs wobble and she falls upon Jeongyeon’s waiting arms - as if she knew she was going to fall.

 

As a bartender, she must've been privy to all sorts of situations.

 

Seems like hers is nothing new.)

 

 

* * *

 

 

The bar is quieter on the weekdays.

 

That's when Momo realizes it's a weekday, and she's in a bar when she has a class at nine in the morning. That's also when she gives up on the fact that her gpa is going to lower because her attendance is lacking (that was the only thing keeping her grade above an F, now it's damaged).

 

When she reaches the counter, Jeongyeon helps her up on the chair while the bartender gives the former a look. Jeongyeon shoots him a look back, signaling with her eyes to make her friend a drink, and he does - mixing all sorts of sodas together, feeling as though Momo is drunk enough already that she doesn't need more alcohol in her system.

 

A sip here, a sip there - Momo lies stagnant on the counter while her roommate and the bartender just look on.

 

She needs this, this sort of support. The type of support that doesn't cater to what she wants, but what she needs. The type of support that Jihyo doesn't provide with her coddling, but rather the type of support Jeongyeon provides with her “Get off your ass and do something” shtick.

 

She's glad there are two motherly figures in her life. Maybe that's why she feels as though she owes her roommate something.

 

“Tomorrow night, dinner at Lucky’s - my treat.”

 

Jeongyeon gives her smile, a shy nod, and tells the bartender to fill up Momo’s cup with more mixed sodas. When Momo drinks her third glass, she's slumped against the older girl’s shoulder - more than content with how the night is going. She's forgotten all about Sana, Mina, and Nayeon - those thoughts replaced by how Jeongyeon’s family is one of the craziest families she’s heard of. Crazy, in this case, meaning exciting.

 

Her night is filled with stories of random chances with famous celebrities, tragic incidents with an ice cream truck and several tonnes of ice cream, and the Yoo family recipe of barbecue ice cream and the various attempts of a man appropriately nicknamed “Baddie” in stealing said recipe.

 

Jeongyeon’s alright. Momo can't believe she hasn't noticed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Again, there’s an arm around her abdomen. She recognizes the couch from underneath her, and she thinks that she isn't dreaming this time. She looks down, seeing the crown of someone’s head. Then, she thinks of last night, and she smiles.

 

When Jeongyeon snuggles close to Momo, burying herself in the crook of her neck, she can't help but turn red from the warm breaths hitting her skin. She's like a piece of ice, frozen and unmoving, and Jeongyeon is like the hot summer sun trying to melt her.

 

They've never been like this, stayed this close together even after so many years of being roommates. It is unlike Sana, who in their earlier years, would cling to her like her life depended on it, nor is it like Nayeon, whose sugar-high led her to hug Momo several times a day just out of pure delight and energy.

 

Jeongyeon is hugging her, and she doesn't feel weird. She doesn't feel as though it's something she she shouldn't be doing, like how Mina stares at her and all Momo could think about is how she wishes Nayeon wouldn't notice.

 

It's as though it’s right.

 

Momo stares at the ceiling, the white alabaster ceiling, and just thinks.

 

Maybe I can fix it all with this,

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next time Mina and her meet, she isn’t nervous or scared - like how she would’ve been if she had met her earlier. This time, however, the failing college student stands resolute - face to face with a girl, who - unlike her - isn’t afraid to go for the things she wants. They stare at each other, both trying to find something the other’s eyes. Momo wants see if Mina really does mean it, like how Sana did when they kissed.

 

When Momo sees a glint of fear in Mina’s eyes, that’s when she strikes.

 

“You’re with Nayeon,” she declares, and she hears the sharp inhale from the other girl. She doesn’t blink, unrelenting in her prodding. “Stop looking at me like that.”

 

Mina purses her lips, shifting her eyes to watch the wall behind Momo - not being able to handle the girl’s expectant eyes.

 

“And you love Sana, I can see it.” Mina turns her head back, her eyes bold and adamant. “It’ll be unfair to Dahyun, won’t it?”

 

Momo scoffs, shaking her head. “Don’t turn this on me. What’ll Nayeon think?”

 

“She doesn’t love me,” Mina’s quick to answer. “She never has.”

 

Momo remembers the text Jihyo had sent her once, and she should’ve seen this coming, but it still doesn’t make sense to her. Nayeon was the first the make the move; it wouldn’t make sense why she would-

 

Oh.

 

Mina’s a rebound.

 

 

Still, it still boggles Momo’s mind on who Nayeon would be interested in.

 

“That still doesn’t change the fact that you’re together, and you’re trying to get it on with her best friend.”

 

“Do you like me Momo?” Mina’s question takes Momo off guard, visibly taken aback by the provocative question.

 

In Momo’s mind, she should refuse, however in her loins, it’s telling her to go ahead and say yes. Then she remembers Sana, and it’s out of the question. She’s not so fickle that she’d betray her feelings for Sana that quickly; she still can’t get that kiss out of her mind. It’s unforgettable.

 

“No,” the response makes Mina scrunch her nose in frustration. “I don’t like you like that.”

 

Before Momo could say anything more, Mina puts a hand up - a hand massaging her temple.

 

“I can’t believe this,” she mutters before she exits the room, slamming the door with a bang.

 

Momo looks at the closed door wistfully, wishing she had made the right decision. Her phone rings twice, and she looks at the messages.

 

The first is from Sana. It says, I want to say sorry. I must’ve made you confused. Dinner, tonight?

 

Momo furrows her brows, licking her lips at the prospect of sharing a dinner with Sana - being able to figure things out and talking it out.

 

Then she reads the second, Are you still up for Lucky’s tonight?

 

She freezes at the keyboard.

 

She doesn’t know who to choose.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Momo keeps hovering over the two contacts - Sana and Jeongyeon’s.

 

It’s easy, she first thought - it’s Sana. However, Jeongyeon had been so nice and kind to her last night. She took care of her turmoiled heart - mended it like a band-aid over a cut. She’s made up her mind; she can always talk to Sana later. Afterall, they are best friends - however troubled their relationship is at the current moment.

 

Tomorrow? I’ve got plans tonight.

 

She sets her phone down on her study table, looking over her physics textbook as she rewrites her notes. She’s decided on saving her grade this semester, however difficult it may be.

 

A few moments later, her phone rings.

 

Oh ok. I guess I’ll eat alone. Have fun, okay?

 

Momo grimaces at the text - the thought of Sana looking all glum and sad as she downs her dinner doesn’t bode well with her heart.

 

Eat well, okay? We’ll sort this all out, as soon as we’re available.

 

Sana doesn’t answer back, and Momo forgets all about it, having repressed thoughts of Sana deep within her mind - trying to concentrate on her studies.

 

She’s scared of what Sana says.

 

(She’s never been scared of Sana until now)

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lucky’s is the best place to eat on campus.

 

It’s not saying much since the cafeteria just gives them crap that they call food. It’s in high demand, and they’re both glad they decided to go on a weekday when it’s not as busy as it normally is.

 

A waiter greets them, and Jeongyeon holds up a peace sign, and the waiter nods - grabbing some menus and taking them to a table for two.

 

They’re by the window.

 

The restaurant is dimly lit, having candles as one of the few sources of light. It’s romantic, and Momo knows it shouldn’t be like this. It’s normally bright, and Momo feels strange.

 

“My uncle owns the place,” Jeongyeon says. “He still makes me pay, though.”

 

Momo nods, browsing the menu, and after a while, the waiter comes and takes their order. They’re now left with nothing but themselves and a candle in between them.

 

“Thank you for the treat.”

 

Momo waves away the thanks. “It’s the least I can do after last night. You took care of me well.”

 

Jeongyeon smiles, lowering her head shyly.

 

Momo starts to notice things about Jeongyeon she hasn’t noticed before, like how her roommate’s eyes turn into crescents when she smiles or how she bites her bottom lip when she’s nervous. She gulps; this is dangerous, she thinks.

 

“You-” That’s when Momo stops when she see the person that enters the restaurant.

 

Sana, in a floral dress, stands idly at the podium, waiting for somebody to take her to a table. Then, a few moments later, Dahyun enters in a hoodie and jeans - taking in the older’s hand in hers.

 

She sees Sana notice her, and Momo shrinks further into her booth - wanting to be ignored by the odd girl.

 

Her wish isn’t granted.

 

“Momo? I wasn’t expecting to see you here,” Sana smiles at the pair sitting down. She turns to Jeongyeon, who she recognizes from knocking on Momo’s dorm room and seeing the girl in just her sport’s bra and underwear. “Hey, Jeongyeon.”

 

“Who’s Jeongyeon?” Dahyun asks, not familiar with Momo’s roommate.

 

 

 

“She’s Momo’s-”

 

 

 

“Girlfriend,” Momo blurts out. “This is Yoo Jeongyeon, my girlfriend.”


	2. Casualties and Deaths. That's Love for You.

_“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,_

_in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”_

_―[ Pablo Neruda](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4026.Pablo_Neruda),[ 100 Love Sonnets](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/9295)_

* * *

 

Momo could honestly die at this moment.

 

Seriously, the headlock Jeongyeon has on her certainly could kill her from the sheer amount of pressure she’s inputting.

 

“Why’d you pull that stunt?” Jeongyeon’s arm constricts around her neck. “What’s your angle, huh?”

 

Momo taps the Jeongyeon’s arm, begging her to let her go - however, the bartender does not relent. She gets even more compact, leaving no space between her arm and the stupid girl’s neck.

 

“I panicked,” Momo manages to utter, and it seems Jeongyeon has had enough of her violent ways and releases the failing college student’s neck.

 

Momo rubs her neck a few times, knowing that there’s going to be red marks there later.

“She’s the one, you know? The one that likes me or well, used to.”

 

Jeongyeon smiles mischievously. “Oh so that’s what it’s about.” She makes her way to Momo’s bed and sits on the comfy blanket covering it. “So...what’s in it for me?”

 

“A can of spam?”

 

“What? No.”

 

“A can of sardines?”

 

“Momo, I’m seri-”

 

“Both?”

 

“Momo!” Jeongyeon yells, and Momo retreats. “On second thought, I don't want anything. You're already broke and stupid.”

 

“You didn't have to say stupid.”

 

Jeongyeon shrugs, and Momo sighs.

 

“Can you just play along with it? I don't want to be teased. We’ll break it off in a week, I promise.”

 

Jeongyeon thinks for a moment. Momo has never asked her for anything, not even a little favor. For her to be pleading with those puppy-like eyes, this must be important and serious for her roommate.

 

Jeongyeon nods. “You owe me big time Mochine.”

 

* * *

 

The red light turns green. It should be that the driver notices that they should press the pedal and proceed on forward. However, sometimes a person is troubled and going forward is the last thing on their mind. That is until a sound of a shrill horn fills her ears, and she snaps out of her reverie - quickly looking around to get familiar with her surroundings.

 

Right, she’s driving.

 

Meals on Wheels. Her boss at the food bank suggested it to her after she abruptly stopped going to her assigned shift. It’s not as if she’s avoiding Sana, okay maybe that’s true, but that’s not the whole reason.

 

It’s Dahyun. She sees how the younger girl would look at her best friend, how her eyes shine with admiration and love. She usually hears mirthless laughter from the athlete, but whenever she’s with Sana, there’s this intonation that she hears that just shows Momo how happy she is at the moment.

 

Sana may not be happy with Dahyun, but Dahyun certainly is. Maybe she’ll find it too.

 

She presses the pedal hard, thoughts swirling around her mind clouding her better judgement. She watches the trees and pedestrians passing by like a blur. It’s almost evening, and Sana must almost be finished with her shift at the food bank while she’s just started hers.

 

Volunteer work is growing on her; it feels good. Selfish, she knows - she’s supposed to be doing it for the disadvantaged people, but she likes the rush of dopamine that it gives to her head. Sana must feel the same thing, considering the odd girl would be missing from even the biggest parties to work at some rundown building serving food to homeless people.

 

It’s both endearing and charming.

 

She reaches the house she’s supposed to be deliver food to. It’s a small house, big enough for one person to live in. For some reason, Momo recognizes it from a polaroid she’s seen from Nayeon’s room.

 

She rings the doorbell, and she hears hurried steps from behind the door. Weird, the elderly shouldn’t be walking fast, especially if they were to employ her help.

 

The door opens, and Momo curses the world for all its irony. Seriously, luck isn’t on her side.

 

“Momo,” the quiet homebody breathlessly says, “What are you doing here?”

 

Momo sighs, shaking her head simultaneously. “The real question is: what are you doing here?”

 

“This is my grandmother’s house. She said she orde-”

 

“Fish and chips and a twelve ounce bottle of coke and a side of coleslaw on the side.” She raises the bag of food she holds with her hand. “I didn’t expect you here to be honest.”

 

Mina nods. “Neither did I.” She takes the bag from Momo’s hands. “You volunteer?”

 

“It gives me something to do.” She scratches the back of her head. “You take care of your grandma on the weekends?”

 

“Nayeon’s off drinking at the bar so I’m usually alone.”

 

“Right.”

 

If there’s a definition of friends not really friends, this is it. Their eyes won’t even meet, Momo preferring to look at the framed pictures behind Mina and Mina preferring to look at the black cat she swears sneered at her just now. They stand there, not saying anything and not moving, like perfect mannequins.

 

That is until a frail old voice calls from the background; Mina’s grandmother must be getting hungry.

 

“That’s my cue,” Mina says. She shifts in place, and waits for Momo to leave.

 

“Right,” Momo replies. She gives a quick nod and turns around, walking back to her car until she hears that soft voice call out from behind. She turns herself to the homebody still waiting by the door with a bag of food in her hand.

 

“I just wanted to ask,” Mina starts - her voice clearly wavering and skittish. “Do you think that we can-you know? Be together.”

 

Momo holds her breath. A second confession, this time not in the confines of a tight room or the setting of a playground. She wants to laugh at herself for the past month; it’s been a mess. First, she got her heart broken by Nayeon -  her buck-tooth friend unaware she did break her friend’s heart. Second, Sana - who she realized too late her feelings - rejected her confession. Third, she somehow got her roommate Jeongyeon in a mess she didn’t ask for. Fourth, Nayeon’s girlfriend Mina wants to be with her.

 

Some things are intangible - feelings are one of them.

 

“Maybe.” Momo can’t believe she’s saying this. “I’ll think about it.”

 

With a shy smile and a duck of her head, Mina replies, “Thank you.” She shuts the door softly and gently, like her personality.

 

Momo turns back to her car with a lighter feeling in her steps.

 

Sana’s lost in bittersweet memories.

 

* * *

 

“This is Jeongyeon, my roommate.” Momo stands, with Jeongyeon right behind her, in front of her group of friends.

 

A light, playful push, and Jeongyeon’s quiet snickering - Momo knows this is going to be a long night.

 

“What else am I?” Gosh, her voice sounds so girly, and Momo wishes she could get the moonshine hiding in her room and chug that shit like it’s Chuseok.

 

She plays with a fake smile. “She's also my girlfriend.”

 

Cheers and hollers fill the room, mainly from Dahyun and Nayeon - the latter clearly drunk from the beer bottle she’s holding, her third of the night. The rest are watching the shifting pair like a pack of hyenas. Jihyo doesn't buy this one bit, as expected from someone who has the situational awareness of a lion. Sana is looking a bit irritated, never mind - she’s hella peeved. And Mina, with her eyes forlorn and her lips frowning - she looks heartbroken, feeling played with like a puppet.

 

Momo doesn't fail to catch each and every look.

 

She clears her throat to get everyone’s attention and the loud noises simmer down slowly.

 

“I hope you treat her well,” Momo says as she looks behind - that mischievous smile taunting her.

 

An arm is thrown around her shoulder and she comes face to face with Jihyo. Her best friend is sporting a knowing smile and it's terrifying.

 

Jihyo turns to Jeongyeon. “Welcome. Now if you'll excuse us, Momo will join me for groceries.”

 

Sana perks up, raising her hand. “Oh can I come-”

 

“Shut it Sana.” Jihyo still smiles that smile as Sana shrinks back into her seat, and Momo knows that she's not going to have any support along the way.

 

Jihyo clears her throat, dispelling the tension caused by her curt outburst. “Now if you'll excuse us, we have to buy some ingredients for soondubu. Mina told me she was craving it today.”

 

Jihyo then leads Momo out the door, the latter shooting a distressed look back to everyone.

 

* * *

 

After receiving a scolding from Jihyo the whole time they journeyed to the grocery store and back about how her efforts as a Love Consultant is all put to waste, Momo finds herself trapped between her two best friend watching a romantic film Nayeon suggested.

 

It's Japanese, and Nayeon probably got it for her considering she hates reading the subtitles. Momo couldn't really follow two things at once like that.

 

Sniffles and tissues pollute the room, and Momo looks over to where Nayeon is. Most of them came from her. She's seen the movie once already, and Momo can't fathom why she’d want to watch such a sad story again. Maybe it's because of the way Mina would hug her or how Mina would wipe away the tears from her face.

 

Mina cares for her or she’s just this good at acting. It'd be scary if it's the latter.

 

“Nayeon,” Mina says. “The movie’s over.” She passes Nayeon another tissue before Nayeon blows on it.

 

“I'm sorry. It's just-it’s-,” Nayeon pauses. “The movie’s so sad.”

 

“I know Nayeon. I was sad too.” Mina hugs the hunched over girl. “Next time don't pick such a sad movie, okay?”

 

Nayeon nods slowly.

 

Momo looks away from the scene, and instead, looks over to where Sana and Dahyun are situated.

 

Dahyun is snuggled in between Sana’s legs as the latter hugs her from behind. Dahyun looks back, and Sana catches her gaze. It stays like that for a few excruciating moments before Sana looks away first and gestures for her to stand.

 

“I think Jihyo’s soondubu is cooked,” Sana whispers in Dahyun’s ear, and Momo could see the athlete shiver. “Is that where your nickname comes from? Because you're delicious? Hmm Dubu?”

 

“Stop Sana,” Dahyun manages to say, her voice breathless. “They’re watching.”

 

“Let them watch. I want them to know you're mine.”

 

Momo can't bear to stand it anymore, and she looks away. She snarls, “I'm going to eat now.”

 

Sana follows with a, “Ooh me too!” , before she runs over to where Momo is sitting. “Come, let's go.” Sana offers her a hand, and Momo stares at it tentatively before she grabs it.

 

Momo could tell Sana gave them that little show with Dahyun to tease her. It pains Momo to think Dahyun is being played with, and she wants to tell the truth, but she doesn't think it's her place to do so. They'd figure it out themselves.

 

“Jeongyeon,” Sana starts as she pulls Momo to the dining room. “Is she good to you?”

 

Momo visibly gulps, which she hopes Sana didn't see or hear, and answers, “Yeah. I-I think she’s wonderful. I'm glad she’s my-”

 

"Bullshit.” Sana let's her hand go and turns around. There's a fire in her eyes Momo has never seen before and it scares her. The last time she’s seen the odd girl sport a look similar to this was when Nayeon had managed to spill ‘The Experiment’, which was fourteen different types of sodas and sixteen different types of alcohol mixed together, on Sana’s dashboard of her car. It smells like a nuclear bomb to this day.

 

“Sana, what are you-”

 

“You don't love her. She's probably not even your girlfriend to begin with.”

 

Momo lifts her chin up, looking straight into Sana’s eyes. They hold nothing but green, and Momo could only sneer at her best friend’s insensitiveness.

 

“She’s smart and kind and hardworking,” Momo lists off. “And she’s not afraid to tell me the truth.”

 

Sana’s breath hitches, and Momo takes this chance to pry further.

 

“You don’t own me or my feelings Sana,” Momo growls. “Sometimes they change and I trust them. They’ve let me down at times, but they’re always there. Unlike you.”

 

Momo pushes ahead to the dining room, bumping shoulders with Sana who stays rooted on the spot.

 

And Momo doesn’t look back.

 

* * *

 

Momo decides to tell the truth to Mina, not because she wants to but because she deserves it. No one who follows their feelings should be left in the dark, Momo thinks - considering her altercation with Sana the night before.

  
“So she isn’t your girlfriend?” Mina tries to confirm, and Momo nods. “I thought-”

 

“I know and I’m sorry. It must’ve been such a shock.” Momo leans forward, but Mina doesn’t recoil in her seat.

 

Instead, Mina takes this as an invitation to get even closer. They sit, legs touching. “I was honestly hurt, but thank you for telling.”

 

“But why tell me?” Mina adds, her head tilting, and Momo finds it too adorable. “And why are you hiding it?”

 

“Because you deserved to know and…” Momo pauses in her tracks before she sighs and does it anyway. “Because of Sana.”

 

“Sana? Wait, this is because of Sana?”

 

Momo gulps, eyes shifting side to side before she settles on Mina’s grandma snoring at the kitchen table. “She approached me at Lucky’s with Dahyun, and I sort of panicked.”

 

Mina’s face is frozen, that is until she breaks into a fit of laughter, and Momo could only sigh in relief.

 

“That’s so you! Jeongyeon must’ve been so confused.”

 

Momo grins. “She was furious. She had me like this!” She imitates a headlock on herself, but it doesn’t look right causing Mina to laugh at her misformed antics.

 

It’s just a little conversation, but Momo feels like it’s something bigger.

 

* * *

 

It’s been a while since Nayeon has invited her to go out just the two of them. It used to be a regular occasion, but nowadays, with Momo busy volunteering and Nayeon busy with drinking her head off at the bar, they haven’t had the time to bond.

 

Right now, Nayeon’s doing what she does best - downing so many mixed drinks that even Momo doesn’t even think Nayeon could handle such large amounts of poison in her liver, and Nayeon has a strong liver considering she downed ‘The Experiment’ at least twice in her lifetime.

 

Momo could only look on, sipping the beer she has in her hand periodically.

 

That is until Nayeon starts to talk and Momo stops drinking altogether.

 

“Mina doesn’t like me.”

 

Momo holds her breath at the statement, and Nayeon downs another drink that Momo thinks is whiskey and red vodka mixed together.

 

“She said she wants to take a break, but I’m smart enough to know that it’s because she wants to break up.”

 

“Oh.” Momo feels like absolute trash. Here sits Nayeon, her best friend, her former crush, drinking her sorrows away because her girlfriend Mina likes her instead. “Did you try-”

 

“I tried everything. I even begged on my knees but she just said sorry and walked away.”

 

Momo doesn’t say anything, and lets Nayeon vent whatever she wants. Afterall, she does deserve such liberties from Momo.

 

She feels Nayeon inch closer until the girl is close enough to feel her warm breath on her skin, but Momo thinks it’s closer to panting than breathing. It’s as if there’s something animalistic in the way Nayeon is carrying herself right now. Her eyes are trained on Momo, and her lips jut out in a pout. Her face is flushed, and Momo knows she’s drunk right now.

 

Nayeon doesn’t get drunk easily, but after what she’s had tonight - she’s not surprised with the result.

 

Momo turns to the jukebox, thinking Nayeon would like to hear some old hits, but then Nayeon whispers huskily into her ear.

 

“You know Momo. I had a crush on you, but then Sana had to go all ‘I love Momo!’ on me and you know I couldn’t bear to break our Sana’s adorable heart.”

 

“What?” Momo can’t help but say, and she looks over to Nayeon to pry further, but Nayeon’s already slumped over the bar snoring.

 

Momo carries Nayeon back to her dorm, fishing out the keys from other girl’s pocket before they enter.

 

Momo pulls out her phone when she gets Nayeon situated in her bed, and instantly finds her contact.

 

“Jihyo we need to talk.”

 

* * *

 

Nayeon's a good friend. She’ll talk to you when you need someone to talk to. She’ll give you answers to the test by tapping the desk in morse code. She’ll carry you when you're drunk (which doesn't happen often since she’s the one usually in that position).

 

She’ll even let someone she likes go because her best friend said she likes the same person.

 

Momo doesn't deserve her, nor does Sana. Maybe Jihyo does, but Jihyo deserves everything so it doesn't count.

 

As Jihyo is scratching her head at the information, Momo has her hands on her lap, posture straight as a fiddle, as she looks wildly around Nayeon’s apartment.

 

“Nayeon didn't know Sana knew you liked her Momo. It's the only explanation.” Jihyo finally gives her some answers. “I think Sana did it on purpose. You know how Nayeon is. She’ll-”

 

“-give everything for you even if it costs her,” Momo finishes. She look to Jihyo’s large eyes - eyes saying sorry. “Sana said that once. I didn't think she meant it that way.”

 

“I'll talk to Sana,” Jihyo offers and rests her hand on Momo’s shoulder - full of warmth and understanding. “Is Nayeon resting?”

 

Momo nods, pointing to her buck-toothed friend’s room lazily. “She drank a lot. Must've been about twenty glasses. Even the bartender was getting worried. If it was Jeongyeon, she would've stopped her at seven.”

 

“Do you think-”

 

“Definitely,” Momo cuts in. “She’s been drinking a lot more than usual lately. At first I thought it was because of Mina, but then she says that and I'm not so sure anymore.”

 

“I see…” Jihyo trails off, and Momo takes this chance to speak further.

 

“Mina and I have been talking and I don't know. She’s amazing. I don't know how else to put it, but she's growing on me.”

 

Jihyo smiles her first smile of the night. “I'm glad. You were getting in the playgirl status lately. First it was Dahyun, then it was Sana, and now it's Mina,” she teases. “Maybe Mina could keep you grounded.”

 

Momo shakes her head at Jihyo’s antics before Momo stops her with a hand.

 

“Was Sana. Is Sana. I still haven't figured that girl out yet. She’s taking me on one of her wild puzzles and it's honestly tiring.”

 

Jihyo giggles. “I bet. To think it was you - wow. And to think she was gay in the first place.”

 

“Aren't we all?” Momo jokes, but Jihyo scoffs in offense. “Wait, you aren't?”

 

“I am. Though I'd like to say I fly both ways.”

 

Momo chuckles. “We both know what you really prefer.”

 

“Shut up Momo.”

 

Jihyo decides to stay the night on the couch, and Momo grabs the futon from Nayeon’s closet for her to sleep. Jihyo had told her to just sleep with Nayeon on the bed, but Momo’s scared of sleeping in a drunk girl’s bed. Who know what could happen?

 

(She might become stupid again, and her feelings would go haywire.)

 

* * *

 

Momo likes to keep this list in her head lately. Ever since this thing started, she’s been keeping track of her potential suitors.

 

It goes a little something like this.

 

1\. Myoui Mina. True to her feelings. Isn’t afraid to tell her what she wants.

2\. Minatozaki Sana. Honestly, what can Momo expect from Sana? She’s as confusing as Heechul’s weekly quizzes.

3\. Im Nayeon. She’s sacrificially kind for her own good, and that’s all Momo would like to say. Trying to forget about her.

 

Momo decides she should add someone else just for the heck of it.

 

4\. Yoo Jeongyeon. Friend. Roommate. Confidant. Maybe.

 

Momo goes through this list everyday, and every time she does - she’s know she’s bound to hurt them in one way or another.

 

It’s like how Jihyo said. She has to choose someone to hurt. Not everyone has a happy ending, and Momo wants to punch fate in the face for trying to give her one at the cost of others. Fate is trying a little too hard this time.

 

The week is almost over, and Momo wishes it wouldn’t end this quickly. She still hasn’t talked to Sana since their little fight a few days ago. She’s scared of Sana, Momo admits. She’s scared of what she’ll say. She’s scared that she can’t stand up to Sana, stand up to her witty remarks. Because truthfully, her little bit of courage during their fight was just a lapse of judgment.

 

She wasn’t in her right mind.

 

But Momo needs to keep her promise and end it with Jeongyeon.

 

It was great actually talking to Jeongyeon. Most of the time she’s spent with Jeongyeon the past few years were just passing remarks of “Hi” or “I’m going out.” This week, however, they were stuck at the hip - closer than she’s ever been to anybody. Yes, even closer than how she is with her three best friends.

 

Momo asked Jeongyeon to look close and to feel close. Make Sana believe every single word of love that comes from each of their mouths.

 

(It’s payback, Momo thinks. For that time she was too close to Dahyun.)

 

She needs to show Sana that she’s moved on - that she isn’t thinking of her anymore, and that she’s moved on from Nayeon also. Although sometimes, when Nayeon gets a little too close, Momo’s breath hitches and her heart pounds painfully against her chest.

 

After Nayeon’s drunken confession, she doesn’t know what to think anymore. She doesn’t even know how to feel about Sana anymore. It’s tragic that Sana would do such a thing, but Momo sees where she’s coming from. Afterall, Momo knows how it feels to love someone you shouldn’t.

 

Still, Sana did something terrible, but Momo doesn’t even know if she meant it like that. She hasn’t even talked to her at all.

 

But Jihyo told her that she’ll talk to Sana, and she knows Jihyo would get through to her. She always does.

 

Jihyo is the only friend she has that hasn’t wanted to get into her pants, except Jeongyeon of course, but Momo’s for sure Jihyo wouldn’t want to.

 

Momo would laugh her ass off if she did.

 

Speaking of laughing, she’s sitting on her bed with a bucket of fries. Jeongyeon is on the other side, picking at the giant tub, and they’re watching a movie. Jeongyeon had suggested that they watch a comedy, considering Jeongyeon couldn’t get that sad Japanese movie from her mind.

 

When it ends, they watch the credits silently.

 

“So,” Jeongyeon starts - taking in another fry into her mouth. “It’s the end of the week.”

 

“Yup.” Momo smiles as she looks over. “It was nice being your girlfriend.”

 

“Ditto.”

 

An alarm blares, and Jeongyeon pulls out her phone and turns it off.

 

Momo knows what it is. It usually rings around this time.

 

“Bar?” Jeongyeon nods. “I’ll see you then.”

 

Jeongyeon gets up and she runs over to get dressed for her job. Momo watches the whole time she does - thinking how much they’ve missed over the past few years. She should’ve been a closer friend.

 

Closer.

 

Momo sits frozen in her bed when Jeongyeon leans over and kisses her on the cheek. Jeongyeon leaves after she utters a small, “I’ll be back.”

 

She gulps.

 

This is not how a breakup for a fake relationship should go.

 

* * *

 

It's starting to get painfully obvious to Momo that she must've been saint in her past life with all these girls loving her and such. Sure, she's nice and all, but what else does she have? She’s broke, fickle, and not on the upper end nor the middle of the gpa scale. She’s just Momo, a girl (not a woman) who doesn't know what to do with her life - just choosing physics as a major to get her parents to pay for part of her tuition (they’re always stuck up on her having a good job).

 

She's hardly girlfriend material. It's confusing her as much as Sana confuses her daily.

 

Then, Momo notices the little gestures Jeongyeon has towards her. The slight touches, the little tug on the end of her lips when she sees her, the coffee and muffin on her bedside table with a note that says Have a wonderful day!. She likes the muffins and all, but this is Yoo Jeongyeon - kpop extraordinaire who chose bartending as a job because she didn't want to work as a waitress at some stuck-up bar uptown where she clearly would be paid more (and for a college student struggling with debt, that's big). She eats with her mouth open, and she hardly cares when Momo would come home wasted after a girl’s night out.

 

Gestures like this aren't in the dictionary that Momo keeps in her head for Yoo Jeongyeon.

 

It's when they're all together again at Nayeon’s apartment that Momo panics because Jeongyeon doesn't stop acting like her girlfriend.

 

“Jeongyeon,” Momo huffs - grabbing the hand that was groping her side. “What're you doing?”

 

Jeongyeon prods on, palming Momo’s shoulder instead - giving a light massage. She leans forward before she whispers in Momo’s ear. “We still haven't told them yet. Don't you like it?”

 

Yes, yes she does like it, but it's hardly appropriate in the arrangement between them. No words of affection have been said, and Momo doesn't hear the love oozing from Jeongyeon’s mouth just yet - unlike Mina.

 

However, her actions definitely define what ‘non-platonic’ means.

 

“Then we should tell them,” Momo decides before she adds, “I don't want you to be uncomfortable with this.” Excuses, Excuses.

 

Jeongyeon sounds a little disappointed. “Okay, but you say it.” She presses a little hard on Momo’s shoulder. Momo curses when she releases a slight moan.

 

Jeongyeon smirks, whispering once again, “You can't deny my massages are heavenly.”

 

Momo can't even speak in words anymore as her body turns to jelly from Jeongyeon’s touches. She manages a small, “Mhm,” before she submits herself fully to her roommate.

 

She doesn't even notice the four pairs of eyes trained on her blissful face.

 

* * *

 

The first casualty comes from a stray gunshot. Nayeon is dead, pale faced and utterly devastated.

 

These days, Momo would talk to Jihyo more than her and Sana. So, when she spots them talking about lovers and all that jazz. She’s, of course, more than interested in what Momo has to say.

 

It's when she hears her name being written off that she’s gone for, and the reason is more than enough to put her fists up and get to punching, but she doesn't do that because she has the arm strength of a toddler who just got upgraded from being called a baby.

 

It's when the name comes up that betrayal seeps in, and she couldn't help but clasp a hand over her mouth and run back to her room and not come out.

 

She types a short text to the group chat they created, saying she has a test tomorrow and she needs to study and to not bother her.

 

However, she's curled up in her bed - screaming into her pillow expletives - and her eyes are bloodshot and wet from the crying.

 

She not coming out any time soon.

 

Let them hang out for all she cares.

 

All she knows is that her friendship will never be the same.

 

* * *

 

There's a time when Momo actually comes up with a good idea, like a light bulb that's been building up charge until it finally has a tiny spark. Although that spark dies out as quickly as it comes, a spark is a spark, and that's all Momo needs to get her going.

 

She's going to try.

 

Dating, she means. Not the little zig-zag, criss-cross applesauce reacharound game that they are playing in that they’re trying to force Momo to make a decision.

 

No, Momo’s going to tell em’ straight up what's going to happen one by one, since, of course she doesn't want to ruin any existing friendships.

 

It's going to be subtle; the movies, dinner, a walk in the park - Momo’s going to try them all. Of course she's not paying, because that's another pillar of her plan: saving some sweet moolah.

 

They're going to have to pay their way into her heart.

 

Through her stomach.

 

Yeah it's shady and weird and truly not what the spirit of love is all about, but goddamnit she’s going to at least try to make it happen for her name is Hirai “Black hole” Momo (Black hole meaning her stomach is, in fact, endless like a black hole.)

 

It's not as if they'd mind paying - the groceries that they've been living on came from her pocket, and she's turned them inside and out to find the last of her pennies in the form of tofu and green onions.

 

Yeah, she's going to try dating.

 

It's sounds like a great idea when you're a freaking Casanova.

 

* * *

 

Momo finds Mina attractive. It's her collar-bones, Momo muses - a cheeky smile painted on her face. She remembers clearly the loose hanging t-shirt that showed them in all their glory. It gets her all riled up thinking about it. Sometimes, when no one is paying attention, she’d take potshots looking at the girl’s tasty body, but she’s not all that sneaky she supposes when Mina shoots her knowing smile and shows her even more.

 

This is a weird relationship, Momo surmises, but she's not complaining. Eye candy is eye candy.

 

And she really likes candy.

 

Speaking of candy, Mina likes them also - since Mina took her to a candy store and another one and another in quick succession. It seems that the basketball player has a sweet tooth. Her favorite must be that black licorice, since Momo sees Mina palm that shit like it's Momo’s ass (don't ask).

 

It's when Mina smiles as she gobbles them up that Momo can't help stop eating, and for Momo to stop eating, it must be seriously attention-catching.

 

It's as if there’s this BGM playing in the background as Mina’s hair is blown by the slight breeze, and the lights shine just right on her face. It's so elegant that real royalty don't stand a chance in her presence.

 

But maybe that's all it is, because when Mina opens her mouth - it's as if nothing comes out, and when something does, it's because Momo didn't finish her soda that Mina so generously paid for or that Nayeon is such a free spirit that it's starting to get on Mina’s nerves.

 

It's scary - the disparity between them, because Momo finds herself in the same vein of energy that Nayeon is in, and Mina's never seen that side of Momo yet. And contrary to popular belief, Nayeon is only like that when she gets a few drinks up, and if Mina has been only seeing Nayeon in the throes of drunkenness - she isn't really seeing Nayeon. The real Nayeon.

 

That's why Momo thinks Mina is such a good fit for Nayeon - because the real Nayeon finishes her food, compliments you dearly, and would give up the finally slice of that Hawaiian pizza she's been craving just because you said you wanted it.

 

That's the real Nayeon.

 

So maybe, Momo’s going to take a step back with Mina this time, because she wants Mina to see the goodness that is Im Nayeon.

 

Speaking of Nayeon, where has she been?

 

* * *

 

Sana would sometimes take her out to dinner, out of campus, at some weird place where cats roam around. It's not as if Momo doesn't like cats, no, she loves them, but it's certainly strange when they walk under your table and tickle your ankles while you're eating some pasta puttanesca. However, Sana seems to like them, and Momo can't help but say yes to that expectant and pretty face.

 

Though sometimes, Sana takes her to a real place, romantic and dimly lit, that Momo sees the true side of Sana. The one that isn't spouting weird random riddles or confusing metaphors. It's when Sana gets really touchy-feely that she knows it's real, because when she kisses you on the cheek or the hair - it feels like she means it, that she really wants to kiss you there as a sign of affection and not on the lips as a sign of getting in your pants.

 

Sana is alright, Momo concludes. Well, they've been friends for fourteen years, half of them as besties - of course Sana is alright.

 

It still bothers her; the stunt Sana performed with Nayeon. It's really putting Sana down on that list she's made up in her head - second place behind Mina.

 

Jihyo hasn't gotten back to her yet, stating that Sana wouldn't even entertain anyone else other than Momo and Dahyun, and Jihyo always gets through to Sana no matter what time of day it is. She’s like the favorite child of the family. Momo gets unanswered calls while with Sana, she’s get a fruit basket and some flowers as Jihyo visits her at the food bank (this is all figurative, of course.).

 

It's troubling that Jihyo can't talk to her, since in the end - Momo would have to talk to her, and Momo has trouble speaking eloquently enough to warrant a polite nod and a peaceful conversation. If she talks to Sana, it'll be a screaming match. This, she knows, is fact.

 

It's when Sana disappears for a week that Momo gets worried that she won't even have the conversation to begin with.

 

* * *

 

If there's such a thing as code red in dealing your friends, this is it.

 

Someone just doesn't disappear for more than a week without having something going on.

 

It's when there's two people you know that’s missing that you knows something is up.

 

Momo sits, blank-faced, as she’s flanked by both Dahyun and Mina. Jihyo’s in front of her, staring, just staring, because she’s just as lost as the three sitting on the couch on the situation they've been thrown in.

 

It's also when Momo and Jihyo decide to let Dahyun in on this whole shebang, because honestly the girl deserves at least this.

 

“Dahyun,” Momo starts - head shifting to the expectant pair of eyes on her left. “We have to tell you something.”

 

“What is it?” Dahyun's voice is full of desperation and worry, and Momo knows it's for Sana and she's kicking herself for thinking of even taking her away from the star athlete, but she digresses. “Is it about Sana?”

 

“It's not what you think.” Jihyo speaks this time. “It's about Sana, but we too don't know where she is. This is something else altogether.”

 

Eyebrows furrow, throats swallow, and Dahyun is now licking her lips as she gets more nervous the more time passes without a single word said.

 

It's because Momo is having a staring match with Jihyo on how to let Dahyun down as softly and as gently as they can that Sana never really liked her in the first place and that Momo has already won the odd girl's heart.

 

However, Jihyo loses the battle this time, Momo having a lot more willpower than she usually does, and she gets to talking.

 

Momo sees Dahyun slowly deflate and then her face softens and then it hardens again. She must be trying to keep herself strong, keep herself from crying in front of the person who stole her girlfriend, because that's what Momo would do, and she likes to think she's a good role model for emotionally charged situations like this.

 

That is subjective.

 

“O-Oh,” Dahyun stutters, her voice weak and affected. “Thank you.” She purses her lips, and she slumps her shoulders. “-for telling me,” she adds. “I'm just glad I didn't have to find out on my own.”

 

Tears start to well up in her eyes, and Momo wills herself not to cry also. She will not cry.

 

Dahyun looks up to the ceiling, the tears pooling up, and she wipes them as quickly as they came before she looks back down - sorrow evident in her face.

 

“I-I still want to know where she is. We’re friends to begin with, right?”

 

Momo and Jihyo nod slowly - glad that Dahyun is taking this as best as she can - and they both sigh in relief. Dahyun smiles, a weak smile, but a smile nonetheless - showing to them that it's alright, that it'll be fine.

 

It will be fine.

 

“You need context for what I'm about to say,” Jihyo says. “Momo already knows so I'm talking to you two,” referring to Dahyun and Mina.

 

Jihyo explains all about Nayeon’s drunken confession, and Momo finds herself cautious when Mina steels beside her - frozen like ice at the revelation.

 

It's because Mina’s been used the same way Sana used Dahyun.

 

When Mina stands, Momo follows, because they’re going to need all the help they can get. Emotions, like the one Mina is sporting on her face right now with her obvious frown and stern eyes, aren't needed for situations like this.

 

Nayeon is missing and so is Sana, and Jihyo and Momo will do anything to have them back home.

 

With slight pressure on Mina’s shoulder, Mina sits down, but still obviously affected by the confession. It's like the smile on her face when they visited that candy store earlier disappeared with a snap of the finger. (Ms. Hirai, I don't feel so good.) Gone, bam, whoosh - disintegrated - it becomes replaced with a scowl instead.

 

“As I was saying, I'll need your connections.” Jihyo turns to Dahyun. “I know you're popular. So I'm sure you've got some people in mind.” Dahyun nods, and then Jihyo turns to Mina. “-and you're close with the soccer team, correct? I know you've been eyeing up that small girl that plays forward.”

 

Momo lifts a brow, and she turns her head to stare quizzically at Mina - obviously bewildered by this newfound information. Mina’s face is red, and she fans her face just to keep her composure. Momo turns back to Jihyo, whose smug face could only mean one thing - Mina’s a freaking Casanova too.

 

“Jeongyeon is watching the bar for Nayeon and Tzuyu is watching the back alleys when she's dealing her moonshine,” Momo informs - clearly affected.

 

“Good,” Jihyo says. “Where will you be going Momo?”

 

Momo exhales - thinking of a suitable place that either one of them would like to go. It's difficult, really - both of them are such diverse characters that it's hard to pinpoint where they shall be.

 

She’ll start with Nayeon first.

 

“I have a vague idea.”

 

* * *

 

Soccer games are a riot. She's never been to one, so when she's hit with this sort of energy - of course her heart pounds with the same amount of gusto as when Sana first kissed her at the playground. It's twenty minutes into the first half, so people still have enough energy to cheer, and their team has come close to scoring several times so the anticipation is high with the chants.

 

However, Momo doesn't watch the game. She’s perched on the highest row of seats looking down - scanning the bleachers below her and over at the other side of the field.

 

If there's one thing Nayeon would not miss, it's sports.

 

Momo's just waiting for that familiar high-decibel squeal when their team scores because it's hard to miss when Nayeon usually pulls out her two foam fingers at that time and waves it around like a madman.

 

However, when Momo's getting a little tired - she takes a glance towards that small forward. She's good, skillful, and obviously cute. She recognizes that small girl; she lives on her floor, and Momo would never think an art major would be the star player of their University’s soccer team.

 

“Son Chaeyoung,” Momo mumbles - watching amusingly as the art major steals the ball for another chance at goal. They didn't score, but it's a good chance nonetheless. “A worthy adversary.”

 

Momo wishes she's high up on that list Mina has, because she thinks every playgirl has to have some sort of list like that right? Some sort of black book filled with names. Momo’s new to this, don't blame her. She didn't get that much attention in the past; she wasn't exactly the best person to date having no money and all.

 

When Momo hears that loud buzzing and the announcers’ shouting of goal and the cheers surrounding her, she immediately starts scanning for those foam fingers, and her ears prick at every stimulation they receive.

 

“Son Chaeyoung buries a forty yard screamer!” One announcer yells as he celebrates with his casting partner.

 

That's when Momo spots them, on the other side of the field, next to the hot dog stand in the corner - those familiar foam fingers wielded by one sugar-powered girl. She almost laughs as Nayeon dances wildly as she's screaming “goal!” but then she remembers what she actually came here to do, and she stops and steps down from the top of the bleachers she's standing on.

 

It's a short walk, but Nayeon hasn't noticed her nor does she even try to be discreet with herself. It's like Nayeon hasn't disappeared for a week, and she's just living her life as a normal college student, but she has disappeared and she has missed her classes (one could argue missing classes is part of the college experience, but that's besides the point).

 

When she steps on the steel steps, amidst the smell of freshly cooked hot dogs and loud noises, Momo takes notice of Nayeon’s eye bags - obviously not getting enough sleep. It's also when Momo is standing right next to her, that Nayeon pays attention, and when she does - her head coils down, and she somehow finds the little graffiti on the bleachers more interesting than Momo.

 

Momo sits right next to her, clasping the foam finger on Nayeon’s left hand and she takes it off - revealing some bandages that weren't there a week earlier. Momo doesn't question it, but instead she takes the foam finger and puts it around her own hand.

 

Nayeon looks up, clearly curious of what Momo’s doing, but she gets her answer.

 

“Let's cheer first, okay?”

 

* * *

 

Words are optional, actions are mandatory.

 

Momo seems to get it, Nayeon concludes - get that fancy and eloquent words aren't the way to her heart. Momo’s messy, albeit she cleans herself when asked. She’s also smart, but not book smart; emotionally smart. She knows exactly what to say and when to say it. It's like talking to a hostage negotiator and you can't help but say ‘yes’ to everything she’s saying because of how clumsy the words are and how adorable she is when she fumbles her words.

 

Momo doesn't know this about herself, Nayeon presumes. She doesn't know how kind and how good of a friend she is to the three of them - her, Jihyo, and Sana. Momo must think she’s stupid and fickle (but that adds to her charm), and she probably doesn't think of herself as girlfriend material because she's all out of money.

 

Considering Momo spends it on groceries for the three of them, Momo is more than enough for Nayeon.

 

When Momo’s face is a picture of disappointment, Nayeon can't help but shed tears.

 

“Come here.”

 

It's a warm hug from Momo, and Nayeon wants to say sorry, but it's like the words in her tongue are all jumbled up and she can't speak them.

 

It's Momo’s couch like it usually is; she'd always make an excuse to get wasted and then she’d end up in Momo’s arms the next morning. It would be awkward, yes, but Nayeon wouldn't trade the comfort she receives every night.

 

Nayeon thought that Momo didn't share the same feelings, but then she hears it from Momo herself about how she used to, and she wants to punch herself for not seeing it earlier. There must be signs; there are always signs.

 

Nayeon tries to remember.

 

“These bandages,” Momo says lowly as she thumbs softly over the white bandages. “When'd you get them?”

 

Nayeon stutters, “A fe-few days ago.” She doesn't meet Momo’s eyes, and she doesn't wish to any time soon. Momo’s eyes make her lose control, and she’ll cry even harder.

 

“How'd you get them?”

 

Nayeon doesn't answer, and Momo understands.

 

“I see…” Momo trails off, but then her voice crescendos back into a “Sana, is she okay?”

 

Nayeon nods and Momo has everything she needs to sigh in relief.

 

“We have everyone looking for you guys: Jeongyeon, Tzuyu, Jihyo, Dahyun, Mina.”

 

At Mina’s name Nayeon purses her lips and she visibly gulps and Momo catches everything - Nayeon is clearly developing something but she doesn't know it yet. It's like with her and Sana; Momo didn't know until it somehow clicked in her head how wonderful she would be as a partner and not just a friend.

 

“I think we should go tell them,” Nayeon determines, and Momo nods in agreement.

 

“In due time, Nabongs. In due time.” Momo hugs her tighter, and Momo knows from then on.

 

Mina is the second casualty.

 

* * *

 

Her fingers are slender, Momo concludes.

 

This strange person in her dream.

 

She hasn't dreamt this dream in a while, but then she doesn't dream that often anymore.

 

Her face is still blurry, but those slender fingers grasp around her hand even tighter when she gets saved from falling on to the hard asphalt. It's starting to feel familiar, and Momo could hear some laughing in the dream.

 

They bounce off the walls and Momo only knows of one person with a laugh like that.

 

* * *

   
 


	3. Part 1 - Perhaps I Love Her

_I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her._

_Love is so short and oblivion so long._

_\- Pablo Neruda_

* * *

 

Momo takes in the air, familiar and nostalgic, and her mind empties on the feeling surging through her veins. It’s been a while, feeling so free and relaxed. It’s as if the stress from the past month hasn’t affected her in anyway.

 

Because truthfully, it has.

 

Holding the hand that gave her so much strength, Momo finds herself safe and secure - the horrors of the world seemingly distant from her perfect bubble, shared with the one she truly loves the most.

 

She looks to the hand’s owner, face smiling back at her, and she knows from then on.

 

It’ll be alright.

 

* * *

 

For years, Sana has left her speechless. Sometimes, when she does, Momo tries to fathom what on earth just happened, but then she gives up when it’s too complex for her to comprehend. Her words are like puzzles, having to decipher each of them to grasp the bigger picture - the whole riddle.

 

It’s why, maybe, Sana is doing this - taking her on a ride and on a mystery - to have her unravel her tracks to find where she is.

 

It’s such a Sana thing to do.

 

Starting with her dorm, a few knocks and out comes a girl in sweats and an oversized hoodie that spells out ‘A Study in Pink’, referring to an episode of Sherlock the girl had probably watched on Netflix or something.

 

Momo wants that hoodie now.

 

“Yes?” A voice breaks her from her reverie, and Momo snaps back to reality - grasping the situation she is in.

 

“O-Oh yeah. I’m uhh…” Momo pauses, and Sana’s roommate gives her a look of utter confusion. “Right, I should tell you why I’m here.” She clears her throat, hands grasping the hem of her shirt. “Do you know where Sana is?”  
 

It’s slow and after a few grueling seconds of scrutiny from the girl, she answers back.

 

“You’re that Nayeon girl aren’t you? Her friend.”

 

Momo frowns and shakes her head.

 

“Momo then?”

 

Momo holds her breath and she nods slowly. With that the girl disappears behind her door, a small ‘wait there’ accompanying the withdrawal, and so, Momo waits - feet shifting against the ground - and jittery butterflies smashing itself against her stomach.

 

Moments later, and it hasn’t even been a minute, Sana’s roommate appears once more between the doorframe, holding some sheet of paper - wrinkled and folded up. Momo stares at it and then to the roommate.

 

“That girl is weird, but she asked me to give you this if you ever came. I never thought much of it, thought she had no friends from how eccentric she is, but I guess people find their place in the world.”

 

The roommate’s hand juts out and Momo takes it in her hands, bowing slightly for the help.

 

She wants to read it, but it’s hardly the most appropriate place to do so in the middle of the hallway - in front of a homely dressed girl who’s looking at her with a gaze she’s seen so much before that it’s starting to get on her nerves.

 

“You’re cute.”

 

And with that, Momo rolls her eyes as she turns her back and leaves, the girl tilting her head out to Momo - who’s halfway across the hallway - to yell a “It’s Eunha by the way! I’ll tell Sana to give you my number!”

 

She’d be rich if this was a job.

 

* * *

 

The paper reads, I’d tell you where I am, but then I’d have to kill you. Just kidding! It’s fine Momo, if you are the one reading this. I’ll be fine. If it’s Nayeon, then I’m glad you stopped by. You have one heck of a punch. If it’s Jihyo, you don’t have to bombard my phone with calls. I’ve already shut it off. If it’s Dahyun, then...I’m sorry.

 

Momo pauses at that. There’s more writing below, but this caught her eye - and she can’t stop looking at it. Apologies, like this, don’t come from Sana that often, and if it does, then it’s probably in this sort of form, written and not spoken. Sana never did do well with saying sorry. Sana never did do well saying anything straight and to the point, but Momo digresses.

 

She continues down.

 

I’m at the place where I love the most. I’m sure if you know me, the real me, then you’d know where that is.

 

Momo eyes the piece of paper in her hands. It’s starting to become obvious to her that she might not be able to pluck out the location from her mind. Sana never did tell her where she loved to go, where she could truly be her and not have a care in the world. But then it’s Sana, and she never tells anything frank.

 

~ Love, Sana

 

Maybe, one day, Momo could handle that word without grimacing.

 

* * *

 

Momo needs help.

 

And Jihyo’s here to save the day.

 

Her best friend is there, along with Nayeon. They sit so peacefully and harmoniously that Momo is starting to think they’ve become mannequins from how unmoving they are as they scan that wrinkled up piece of paper. Momo thinks they’ve read those words a hundred times over, but then it’s Jihyo, and she knows she’s read it at least two hundred times over. Jihyo’s a fast reader.

 

It’s like a cannon shooting up into the sky with how her voice rises in her words.

 

“I have no clue. This,” she holds the piece of paper up for emphasis, “- is classic Sana.”

 

Momo and Nayeon nod. Yeah, yeah it is. It’s not as if they don’t mind it, but this is a missing person case and that missing person is their best friend, and so, they are obviously more agitated and stressed out than usual. There’s only a few things like that make them so.

 

(The worst thing is, she’s not really missing, but more like avoiding everyone, which makes it even more frustrating.)

 

It starts with Jihyo, who throws the paper on the coffee table Momo is sitting on, exasperated and clearly frustrated by the lack of clues.

 

“No one is answering their calls!” Jihyo growls. “Tzuyu is silent. Mina has gone off with her soccer buddies. And that stupid Jeongyeon is in your dorm watching some silent black and white movie with her hand up a fuckin’ popcorn bag!”

 

Jihyo’s swearing again. She’s teetered off the edge.

 

Nayeon’s hand comes to calm her down, but then Jihyo shrugs it off and leans forward to take her face in her hands - groaning about how this is all a mess and how worried she is for Sana.

 

“Ji,” Nayeon begins with her nickname for Jihyo. “The rest are trying their best. You know how Tzuyu is, she’s always silent. She even forgets her phone and she doesn’t even notice it. Mina is pulling favors from the team and Jeongyeon got vomited on by at least seven people last night so I think we can let that slide.”

 

Jihyo sighs and nods in her hands. She doesn’t say anything so Nayeon continues.

 

“I’m trying to find her too. After what happened between us, I…” Nayeon falters, and Jihyo looks up from the interruption only to catch a look of sorrow evident in her best friend’s eyes. “-I pushed her away and she ran and ran and ran and I don’t know anymore.” Her voice quivers and the hand that was on Jihyo’s reels back to clutch her other hand, it shaking and quavering.

 

No more words are exchanged, just understanding and apologetic stares.

 

This is taking a toll on all of them.

 

* * *

 

The paper is stored away in the drawer of Momo’s bedside table - having been deemed useless by the three of them in finding where Sana is.

 

The emptiness fills her - leaving nothing but loneliness and devastation that Sana may never come back again - but then it’s Sana, and she knows she’ll meet her one day once more. Even so, it’s starting to feel as though she can’t live without her - those shimmering eyes turning into crescents as she laughs with so much fervor that it starts to hurt, clutching her stomach as she tries to stifle the laughter.

 

Sana’s irreplaceable. Maybe, if Sana could tell her, confess honestly with no complexities, she’ll be more than ecstatic to take her in to her arms and feel.

 

Momo wants to feel.

 

It’s when Jeongyeon comes into their room, carrying a re-filled bucket of popcorn, that she notices the differences between the two of them.

 

“Oh,” Jeongyeon whispers. “You’re here.” She walks slowly to Momo’s bed, offering her some popcorn, but Momo refuses with a wave of her hand and a shake of the head.

 

“I was planning on watching originals. You staying?” Jeongyeon continues on, climbing on Momo’s bed, on top of the comfy blanket that was embroidered with Boo from Monsters Inc. (a gift from Sana).

 

“I have to find Sana,” Momo replies. She looks down to the arm holding the bucket and then to Jeongyeon’s face. “Have you found anything?”

 

At that, Jeongyeon shakes her head - sympathetic and warm - and Momo nods slowly, gripping with the fact that no one has a clue, no one has an answer. It seems no one ever has an answer, even herself. She’ll try one more time.

 

“You ever wonder what the fuck we’ve done wrong?”

 

“I don't know what you mean.”

 

“You know? We take the last box of Oreos and then some kid an hour later throws a tantrum because he can't get his fix and then his mother gets all stressed out that she gets all strung out in her job, and then she gets fired because HR couldn't handle her anymore. That's what I mean.”

 

“So like a bunch of what ifs?”

 

Momo nods. “Yeah, like a bunch of what ifs.”

 

It leaves Jeongyeon thinking. She never likes to think of what ifs, but then it's Momo who’s asking and she can't argue it. Giving it a few moments of thought, Jeongyeon lays it down.

 

“No.”

 

“Why?”

 

Jeongyeon purses her lips. She looks to Momo, who's giving her a look that's like a child wanting all the answers in the world. Momo's eyes are big, prodding and expectant, and Jeongyeon wants to answer them all.

 

“Because if I did, I would go crazy. I can't go around thinking of what could've happened. It'll just get me all depressed and I don't think I would be able to live with myself. So instead I'm stuck in the now, what actually happened, because that's real and I can't be going around thinking about what's fake.”

 

Jeongyeon holds the gaze before she adds, “I don't want to regret anything.”

 

Momo grasps the jacket separating her and Jeongyeon, and she takes away - tossing it aside so she could get closer. She inches and inches closer. closer. closer. And she’s there, face to face, scorching breaths crashing into each other’s face as they gulp and their hearts beat in tandem.

 

“No regrets?” Momo voice cuts through the silence as her hand travels upwards Jeongyeon’s legs - stopping at the waist.

 

Jeongyeon looks to Momo’s lips and then to her eyes. They’re spurring her on to give her an answer to whatever question she’s asking. It’s painful and it’s hurting, and Momo’s face turns into one of desperation when her eyes flutter.

 

Jeongyeon finds herself breathless when Momo leans in without her answering.

 

It’s fire for Jeongyeon. Momo’s pink lips nip at her top one, and when she responds back, Momo’s hands that caressed her waist comes to hold her head in place. Momo shifts upward, giving her an angle that causes Jeongyeon to tilt her head upward to keep their lips in place. Momo separates when Jeongyeon taps her once, her lungs giving out from the kiss, and Momo only gives Jeongyeon a second before she lunges forward again to capture her lips.

 

Jeongyeon falls backwards, her back hitting the wall behind her. Momo gets rougher, almost animalistic as she starts pushing her tongue towards Jeongyeon’s lips - asking for entrance. Jeongyeon indulges in her roommate’s aggression and lets her enter. She wants this, she didn’t know until she felt it. Felt it all.

 

When Momo separates, they stare and they hold it - almost painfully so.

 

“Maybe,” Momo whispers.

 

Momo leaves with Jeongyeon breathless, red on her lips, and more than a few questions on her mind.

 

And the fire in Jeongyeon’s heart kindles.

 

* * *

 

 


	4. Part Two - Show Me The Way

_“Then love knew it was called love._

_And when I lifted my eyes to your name,_

_suddenly your heart showed me my way”_

_―[ Pablo Neruda](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4026.Pablo_Neruda), [Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2103337)_

* * *

 

It's Saturday and it's clear outside - no clouds, nothing. It's just the sun shining, a little further down, since it's around seven and it's about to set.

 

Momo likes sunsets. They seem more mellow than the day, and they aren't dark like the night. The day makes her want to go out and run around in the light, while the night makes her want to take her girls out for a drink in the bar. With the sunset, however, it's a walk in the park, a stroll at the beach, and the listening of relaxing tunes with some snacks by her side.

 

Sunsets are calm to Momo.

 

However, she's not calm at all today. For sometimes, some things don't end up the way she expect things to. It's a hand that comes around her own, and Momo finds the breath taken away from her lungs.

 

She drops the bag of food in her hand, having been on a Meals on Wheels run, and cups the girl’s cheek. It's soft and tender, and Momo feels like she’s dreaming, ethereal stars clouding her vision.

 

“You're alive,” Momo whispers.

 

The girl puts a hand over Momo’s on her cheek, and she nods. “Yeah, I guess.”

 

“B-But I saw you. You left.”

 

A few giggles, and she shakes her head. “But I'm here, aren't I?”

 

“Yeah, yeah you are.”

 

They stare, stare, and stare - until the sun doesn't shine anymore, and they’re left standing outside of Jackson’s house with just silence and the rustling of the leaves from the trees and the bushes.

 

Momo’s voice quivers, her lips trembling, as the feelings surge through her. It takes a mile to just to say a word, but when she says it, it feels as though the world is lifted off her shoulders, and she’ll be able to breath again.

 

Momo’s held her breath for so long.

 

“A year’s a long time Sana.”

 

* * *

 

It starts with Mina.

 

Momo catches her with Nayeon, drinking some milkshakes at a diner next to the theatre building. It’s not Lucky’s, but it's the next best thing (which means it's the second cheapest).

 

With a fond look, Momo takes a step back, having noticed that Nayeon smiles her first smile in a long time and that she actually laughs, mouth open, the volume loud enough to cause Mina to shut her up with a hand over her mouth.

 

Right. They never broke up.

 

Maybe this was a good decision after all.

 

Letting both of them go.

 

* * *

 

It then goes to Tzuyu, her moonshine dealer.

 

The girl, in her black jumper and a face-mask on, walks through the alleyways, a suspicious looking brown bag in one hand and her phone in the other.

 

Momo notices the eyes first, fox-like and intimidating. She had been walking from her physics class, acing the test (thanks to Nayeon’s tutoring), when she catches the girl look both ways before crossing the street.

 

Hiding, it seems.

 

A forensic science major, it gives Momo a clue on how the girl goes about her day. Though she doesn't care enough to follow it, Momo knows that the thrill of the hunt flows in her blood and that adrenaline is like a drug to her.

 

It makes sense why she’s masking the fact that she’s on the farthest park bench from the public eye, holding hands with a familiar small forward.

 

Mina must've dropped her advances.

 

Because somehow, a deadpan, stone-faced, thrill seeking, forensic science major is smiling with her mask off as she laughs her hardest at whatever Chaeyoung is saying.

 

Momo doesn't care to follow anymore.

 

It seems to her everyone is finding love in one way or another.

 

* * *

 

Lastly, it's Dahyun, and it breaks her heart to see the girl like this.

 

Hunched over a bar stool, a hand on a giant lager, and drool hanging from her mouth - she looks like she’s had an interesting night.

 

But it isn't night at all, it's the middle of the afternoon.

 

Shooting a look to the bartender, who she recognizes from her one night with Jeongyeon, she heaves the girl on her shoulder - not even roused that someone is carrying her right now. It would've been dangerous if it wasn't her, and Momo will be sure to scold Dahyun for her stupidity at getting drunk with no one around. She only drank one glass, and Momo figures Dahyun isn't good at holding her liquor.

 

Dahyun’s a lightweight, in more ways than one. Easy to carry, and she doesn't squirm like Nayeon does.

 

When she takes her to her dorm, and after the familiar fishing of keys out of her pocket, the tucking her in to her bed, Momo sits at her bedside.

 

Sana needs to say sorry face to face to this girl.

 

* * *

 

They've given up yet they're all at different places when they do.

 

Jihyo’s hands are thrown up into the air, Nayeon locks herself up in her room - Mina following soon after, Dahyun’s emotionless face just stares forward at the wall, and Momo brings her knees closer to herself as she buries her face in them.

 

Jeongyeon is there, a hand rubbing her back, as she lets out tears she never knew that she was holding in. She's grateful, but she doesn't say anything, doesn't acknowledge Jeongyeon’s kindness. She knows Jeongyeon would understand.

 

Jeongyeon always understands.

 

Eventually, the tears subside and they dry, and she looks up - red on her eyes and stickiness around them. They catch Jeongyeon’s, and they’re soft and sweet and all the things that make Jeongyeon who Jeongyeon is.

 

It's Jeongyeon who speaks first. It's tender and kind. “You’ll find her, okay?”

 

“You don't know that,” Momo struggles to say. “She just disappears without a word and expects us to understand what that stupid note means.”

 

Jeongyeon sighs, but then she takes Momo’s chin in her hand. “Believe me then. I believe you'll find her. So even if you don't believe in yourself, just believe that I believe, okay?”

 

It's another tear, lonely and slow, that flows down her cheek, and then she nods.

 

“Good.” Jeongyeon smiles, and she pulls away before she gets off Momo’s bed.

 

Momo watches her roommate put on her slippers before scurrying over to the fridge, bending over to get some sodas for the both of them. She comes back, and she takes the cold beverage in her hand, and Jeongyeon takes a seat beside her.

 

“Momo,” Jeongyeon starts, and Momo looks over, but Jeongyeon’s not looking back.

 

Her roommate’s eyes zig and they zag and they point to million different things at once. She’s the picture of nervousness, and Momo furrows her brow from what’s troubling the normally collected bartender.

 

“What?” Momo asks, and when Jeongyeon turns her head again, her breath hitches at how the sunset seeping from the blinds hits Jeongyeon’s face just right. It takes her a moment, but she gets herself straight.

 

It's when Jeongyeon says those next words, those three words, that her breath stops.

 

 

 

“I love you.”

 

 

 

And Momo loses it.

 

She’s never kissed anyone twice.

 

* * *

 

Momo’s stupid. She knows it, her friends know it, everyone in the living world knows it.

 

There’s like two places Sana could hide, and it's so obvious, so clear.

 

She tells her superior at Meals on Wheels that she wouldn't be doing a run tonight, because then if she did, she wouldn't be able to work a shift at the Food Bank.

 

So here she is.

 

Her eyes scan the kitchen, meeting familiar faces that she worked with before, but it's not Sana and she grunts.

 

She notices a boy, a little younger than her, seasoning some chicken that would probably be cooked later. She taps him on the shoulder, and he smiles - as if they were close and they've met. Because they haven't.

 

“I'm looking for a Minatozaki Sana? She works here I believe.”

 

The boy frowns and she shakes his head. “I haven't met her since I took the job from her Ms…” He looks at her name tag. “Hirai.”

 

Momo raises a brow. “Took the job?”

 

The boys nods. “I was at the library and she comforted me once when I was…nevermind that. But she asked me if I wanted to take on this job. She said she was going to quit.”

 

“Quit? But she loved working here.”

 

The boys shrugs. “I don't know Ms. Hirai. She said something about going back to her roots or something.”

 

Momo’s breath hitches and she nods slowly. “Right. Thanks for the help.”

 

She turns away, getting the plates and utensils ready, before she turns to speak to him again.

 

 

 

“Condolences to your parents, kid.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

It's the playground again.

 

And Momo finds herself on the seesaw, down on the ground like she used to, and she stares up at the empty seat up in the sky. It stays like that for minutes, just her staring, just her thinking. She doesn't know when it came back, but the old see-saw is here so she's not complaining.

 

Momo knows she's here somewhere. She just has to be.

 

To Momo, Sana's more than a friend. She’s a sister. She’s someone she’s lived most of her life with. She’s someone who kept her up when she got an F on the test and when she got scolded for dumping glue on that stupid bully Mark’s head (he had it coming. no one messes with her Sana).

 

But then Momo changed and Sana’s not just a sister, but a lover, and it must've confused both of them to no end because in all their lives, they've never had a relationship. This whole push and pull thing is just something they've watched in movies and dramas. They're still young, inexperienced, and stupid.

 

And Sana and her just don't know how to deal with it.

 

When she looks at that empty seat, she doesn't see it as an empty seat. She sees a void in herself. Sana’s supposed to be there, like she always has, smiling and laughing as if there's nothing in the world that could trouble them, but then she isn't and it doesn't look right, it doesn't look complete.

 

Without Sana, Momo feels empty. Lover or not, she just misses her.

 

Right then, Momo feels the heat graze her face and she looks west, the sun setting and as it always does, it calms her. Some things in this world just come at the right time and this has, because her heart was hurting but then it doesn't anymore and she's thankful.

 

It's when she hears that voice again that her heart starts its engines once more.

 

“I knew you'd find me.”

 

Momo turns, head facing the jungle gym, her mouth agape as the woman she’s been looking for inches closer and closer until she’s standing before her - a smile so soft, so grateful that Momo wants to cry from how beautiful it is.

 

“Why don't you stand up. I'd like to get on this thing,” Sana says, referring to the see-saw.

 

Momo stands, but Sana doesn't move because Momo’s hand is caressing her cheek.

 

“Bruise...”

 

“It's fine,” Sana takes Momo’s hand on her cheek into her own. “Besides, I gave Nayeon a pretty feisty one in her gut.”

 

“Does it hurt?”

 

“Sometimes…” Sana trails, but then she continues with more conviction in her voice. “But it’s fine. Don’t you worry.”

 

Momo nods, and Sana let's go to take her seat on the see-saw. They don't speak, just going up and down, and just feeling the sunset take place to the west. It's calming and it's quiet, and Momo feels as though it shouldn't be like this, but it is and she doesn't know what to think of it.

 

Dramatic. It's the first thing she expected, but here they are in a comfortable quiet, not saying a word. This must be a low in their tumultuous relationship, as in nothing is really happening.

 

That is until Sana speaks once more.

 

“Momo, I have to tell you something.”

 

Momo stops, leaving her down on the ground, while Sana is looking down at her from the sky. With furrowed eyes, a nod of encouragement, Momo tells Sana to continue.

 

“What is it?”

 

Sana smiles and it's nostalgic and sad, and Momo doesn't like the way this is going.

 

“I-I talked to my parents. You know in Japan?”

 

Momo holds her breath. The world around her becomes slow and the sounds that she hears from the sparse traffic from the street become blurred in the background. There’s only one thing she's hearing and that's Sana. All eyes, all ears, everything on Sana.

 

And that's when Momo’s world breaks.

 

 

 

“I'm transferring to a university in Osaka.”

 

 

 

 

“Oh…” The breath she is holding slowly expels out of her mouth, as if second by second - the last vestiges of her sanity is leaving her. This is crazy, this stupid, this is such complete bullshit.

 

But Momo doesn't say anything about it.

 

“I see,” Momo slowly stands, setting Sana down on the ground. Blank eyes, pale face, and hands that can't stop shaking - Momo doesn't seem to take it well.

 

Even if her words say she does.

 

“Well I'm happy for you.” Momo smiles, but they don't reach her eyes, and Sana knows she's just being strong. She's being Momo and Sana hates it. Sana hates that Momo is being strong for her sake, to let her go in the easiest fashion, and Sana hates that she’ll be the cause of the girl’s drunken stupors and bedtime tears.

 

They're young, stupid, and inexperienced.

 

And they don't know how to say what they feel.

 

“Yeah...” Sana whispers, so low that's it's hard to hear, but Momo hears it nonetheless. “-thanks,” she says it a little louder this time.

 

The sun is gone and the dark enters in its stead. The road lights start turning on, and they see the kitchen lights from the suburban houses also do. That's when Momo decides to fix herself, take herself out of her daze, and suggest they go home.

 

Sana does go home the next day, but it's in Japan and she only says goodbye in passing to Jihyo and Nayeon.

 

They're rightfully distraught, but then they sober themselves, and with tears, they wave and wave and wave until the plane is but a dot in the horizon.

 

And Momo finds comfort in Jeongyeon.

  
 

* * *

 


	5. Part Three - There is No I or You

_“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”_

_―[ Pablo Neruda](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4026.Pablo_Neruda),[ 100 Love Sonnets](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/9295)_

* * *

 

There are times when Momo gets a sense of where everything is going, but then some things just veer her out of the right path. It’s like when she found the greatest piece of jokbal known to man, the meat so juicy and delicious-looking, but then Nayeon just had to to pluck it out of her dainty, little hands with her enormous and boorish hands and eat it for herself. Sometimes, she gets screwed like that, but then the next day comes and she’s forgotten all about it.

 

(Momo has always been a forgiving person.)

 

It’s when Sana comes back into her life - a smile so bright and a laugh so beautiful - that her world turned upside down. Her life that she was sure was straight and fine and all sorted out became a mess, all jumbled up and confusing.

 

It’s a Tuesday and Momo had just finished acing a test in one of her electives - Music of Asia to be exact. It’s not necessarily the most useful of electives, but after surviving through Heechul’s class (can she call it that?), she’s bound to know something about asian music and it’s an easy A.

 

(Turns out it’s classical asian music, and she’s completely fucked, but then her girlfriend Jeongyeon comes around and saves the day with some fine tips and some tutoring.)

 

The sun’s about to set once more, and Jihyo is driving the two of them, Nayeon and her, to the restaurant that they’ll be meeting Sana at.

 

Ten minutes to go, sitting in this seat, and Momo can’t stop herself from thinking about it, thinking about that encounter with Sana in front of Jackson’s house. The food she dropped was ruined, wonton soup that seeped through the plastic, but then it’s fine when Jackson’s grandmother saw the encounter and practically showered them with compliments and whatever grandmother’s do when they find something delightful.

 

(Let’s say Jackson was not at all pleased when he had to go out to buy some food for them.)

 

“It’s been a year,” Jihyo says before swerving the car to turn the corner. “What do you think she looks like?”

 

“Probably shorthaired, a nose ring, and a tattoo on her lower back,” Nayeon practically growls out, a sneer on her face, her eyes cold and distant. “Oh and add completely anorexic and panda-eyed.”

 

Nayeon’s bitter, to say the least. Well, it makes total sense, but the words still hurt and it’s uncomfortable to be around. Jihyo tries to make her tone it down, but it only fuels Nayeon to turn it up a notch and so they’ve stopped trying to cull her vulgarities. However, they all know Nayeon has a soft spot for Sana and just wishes for that odd girl to come back with strange phrases and confusing riddles that they’ve become familiar with over the years.

 

To be fair, a year could do a lot of things to a person, and Momo had the pleasure to see it first for herself.

 

And she doesn’t know if Sana has changed, but then Sana was always good at hiding.

 

“Just tone it down. I want it to be nice,” Jihyo chimes in. “Besides, she called us while she was there. We practically were in touch almost every week.”

 

Nayeon scoffs. “Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.”

 

Jihyo purses her lips. She looks at the rear-view mirror, catching Momo dozing off. She smiles and then she says, “You sure Jeongyeon can’t come?”

 

Momo burns with Jeongyeon’s name, and she gets out of her trance to answer back to Jihyo. “She’s bartending tonight. Said something about not paying last semester’s tuition or something.”

 

Truth be told, Jeongyeon is a stickler for punctuality. There’s no way in hell that she’ll miss a deadline for anything, especially something dealing with money.

 

Momo didn’t tell Jeongyeon about Sana, about how she came back, about anything. She keeps asking herself if there’s any lingering feelings, and yeah, sure there are, but Momo doesn’t want to admit it. She’s grown over the year, but she hasn’t grown that much. She’s still young and stupid (but less than before).

 

Sana’s come back, but times have changed and relationships like theirs, between the four of them, will not be the same as before.

 

“Oh, okay. Let’s just hope Mina and Dahyun can come then.”

 

“They’re not coming. Coach called a surprise practice. The big game’s in two days.”

 

“Crap,” Jihyo sighs out, slamming her hand on the steering wheel. “I really wanted them to come.”

 

Four turns and a spot next to a laundromat and they’re there. Momo looks out, spotting Sana drinking a sprite next to the window. Weird, Sana hates drinking sprite, but then it’s been a year and she doesn’t even know Sana that well anymore.

 

However, seeing Sana candid, looking beautiful with her hair flowing down past her shoulders and using that straw to sip that horribly unhealthy drink, Momo knows that Sana’s still the same, charming, and gorgeous woman she knew. She’s just a little different, but she knows. She knows it’s fine.

 

“She’s beautiful…” she whispers and she exits the car, walking with heavy steps towards that restaurant door.

 

She loses her courage halfway, but then she’s flanked by both Jihyo and Nayeon, and then she gets it back. They always were her pillars, maybe she’s forgetting so many things that are so near and dear to her heart, blinded by a woman so bright in her eyes.

 

“You’ll be alright,” Jihyo whispers - knowing about Momo’s former flame. “She’s our best friend first.”

 

Momo nods slow and pushes on forward, seeing the back of Sana’s head. “Yeah, yeah she is.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The dinner was fine. Just fine. As in, nothing bad or good happened. It's like a flat-line, with dead meaningless conversations that didn't lead to much. It's unlike Sana’s fervor during their first encounter, her eyes that shone with every action Momo did. It's as if she lost all her energy in just one day.

 

But the bar comes, and Momo just wants to run, because she knows Sana would love a drink.

 

“We’re here,” Jihyo informs, finding a parking spot next to the bar. She gets out of the car to put some coins into the meter and Momo follows, wanting to pitch in. Jihyo notices Momo’s presence and then she says, “Do you want to get drunk or really drunk?”

 

“Huh?” Momo could only ask. Jihyo’s starting to get all Sana-like on her.

 

“Just answer, Momo. I know you don't want to be here, in the same room as both of them. So shoot.”

 

Momo gulps. Of course Jihyo knows. She always fucking knows.

 

“Really drunk,” she sighs out, handing three quarters to Jihyo’s open hand.

 

“Four hours it is then.”

 

(Four hou-ok, wow. Alcohol poisoning then.)

 

“Come on.” Jihyo waves and turns to the bar entrance. Sana and Nayeon must've already entered since the car is empty.

 

Speaking of which, Nayeon completely turned to putty with Sana’s voice. Goes to show she's all talk.

 

Jihyo heaves the door open, Momo following soon after.

 

They spot them in the corner, their old spot, and Momo shoots a look over to the bar - signaling that nojam bartender to come. With those eyes that zig zag and a head turn to the kitchen, she nods and sets the rag she is holding down along with the glass. An apron toss later, she joins the group in the corner, just hovering over the table just in case the boss-man comes from the kitchen.

 

“Hey Sana,” Jeongyeon greets with a nod. She turns to Momo, whose blank look means one thing - she's in trouble. However, a kiss should make that face a little softer. They peck and she greets with a “You look beautiful.”

 

“Thanks,” Momo breaths out, and then she looks to the girls at the table, who were watching their interaction with hawk-like eyes, and says, “Let’s have a good night.”

 

Jihyo’s eyes catch Jeongyeon glancing over to Sana, and her heart wrenches when their eyes lock.

 

She needs to stop this.

 

“Jeongyeon,” Jihyo calls out, causing the bartender to detach her eyes from Sana’s. “Can I talk to you someplace quiet?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Momo stares as the two leave for the potted fern by the bathroom. They seem to exchange few words before Jihyo takes Jeongyeon by wrist to the place where shit happens (you know).

 

She turns to the rest. Sana and Nayeon are talking animatedly to each other. Judging by their actions, they must've been talking about Sana’s punching abilities - Nayeon knowing firsthand how it feels.

 

It's then Sana stops halfway when she turns to Momo.

 

“I didn't get to say this before but you look gorgeous Momo.” Sana smiles. That damn smile always gets her all flustered, and her words tangle themselves with her tongue.

 

Momo scratches the back of her head. “T-Thanks. You too.”

 

“You're welcome, Momoring.”

 

Nayeon watches with a smirk unbeknownst to them. She hasn't seen Momo so flustered since a year ago when Sana was still here, and to see it for herself again, there's one thing she's sure of.

 

This isn’t over.

 

Because trouble came in the form of one Minatozaki Sana.

 

“I should get some drinks,” Momo says as she stands, heading over to the bar. At that moment, Jihyo and Jeongyeon emerge from the bathroom, one with a paler face than the other.

 

Jeongyeon, knowing that she still has a job, heads over to the bar while Jihyo returns to the corner booth.

 

Momo leans forward, her forearm supporting her. “What's up?”

 

“She doesn't want me to pick a fight.”

 

Right. Jeongyeon is more than mad that Sana left Momo. She wants Momo to be happy, yes, but with a woman, a friend who left you in the dust for a year? There's no way in hell she’ll let Momo go through that shit again. Her roommate’s weeping in the middle of the night still haunts her, and her hugs were the only things keeping Momo sane through it all.

 

Momo lost her best friend. That's the only course of action.

 

Jeongyeon won't forgive that.

 

“Look. I love you, okay? I don't want you to get hurt. She has one heck of a punch. I'm sure you've seen Nayeon’s bruise”

 

Jeongyeon waves Momo away. “Yeah yeah. I love you too.” She stops and stares. “I won't pick a fight. Don't worry and here,” she hands Momo a tray full of drinks. “Have fun. You'll be here till eleven, right? Jihyo told me four hours so I'll take you home then.”

 

Momo smiles, a genuine smile this time. “When's your shift?”

 

“At ten, but I'll stay a bit just to see your beautiful flushed face.”

 

“Cheesy,” Momo teases.

 

“But you love it.”

 

“Yeah, yeah I do.”

 

She really does.

 

* * *

 

“Do you need help?” Sana asks, seeing Jeongyeon carry Momo’s drunken self bridal style.

 

Jeongyeon grits her teeth, controlling herself from lashing out at Sana. She made a promise to Momo, those promises she keeps. She’ll never lie to Momo, even if Momo does to her.

 

She knows about the dinner. She knows Momo fighting her inner demons. She knows everything because Jihyo, who actually knows everything, told her. However, she won't interfere. If Momo chooses Sana, so be it. There's always a reason to everything.

 

But she doesn't want that reason to be that she didn't try hard enough.

 

She’ll try for Momo. She always does.

 

“No, it's fine. Momo's light.”

 

“She always was…”

 

Jeongyeon realizes then, with Sana’s words, that Sana knows more than her. Sana knows Momo's inner secrets, childhood mishaps, and everything in between. Sana’s been through most of her girlfriend’s life, but it's then that Jeongyeon also realizes that even though she has been there, she wasn't there when Momo needed her most.

 

Jeongyeon steels herself.

 

“We don't want any trouble Minatozaki.”

 

Then she leaves.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jihyo’s hand on wrist is scalding. It because it’s then that Jeongyeon knows that she’s in trouble and over the past year, she learned of Jihyo’s mother-like tendencies. It's annoying but she knows the group needs it.

 

They're all children.

 

The bathroom stall really needs some cleaning, Jeongyeon thinks, noticing the scribbles on the walls. Her boss had told them he hired a cleaner, but her boss is such a huge bluff. So she's never given his words much weight.

 

“Jeong. I want this to be nice.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I see you glaring at her Jeong. It's obvious. You're so obvious. She's our frie-”

 

“Your friend. I barely know her.”

 

“Well get to, because you're going to see much more of her.”

 

Jeongyeon frowns. “What do you mean? Isn't she just visiting?”

 

“No,” Jihyo starts, leaning against the stall. “She's on a program. A year here and then she's back.”

 

“So you're saying she's leaving again.”

 

Jihyo sighs, slumping her shoulders. “Yeah she's going to leave again.”

 

Jeongyeon throws her hands up into the air. “I fucking knew it. Trust that fucking snake to hurt Momo twice.” She's about to rush out of that stall to throttle that odd girl to the ground, but a hand on her shoulder stops her.

 

“Don't you dare Jeongyeon. The last thing Momo needs is you two fighting.”

 

At that, Jeongyeon softens, her breathing settling into a pattern. She nods once as she sighs. “Yeah you're right. You always are.”

 

“What do I do?” Jeongyeon’s face droops, desperation laced into her face. It's unlike her to be helpless, but she's bared herself in front of Jihyo and everything is changing.

 

“It's Momo, you know how she is. She’s fickle and she’ll change her mind forty-three times in a second. Show her you, how you're always there, how good you are.”

 

Jeongyeon nods. “Look, I have to go back to the bar, but thanks Jihyo… for the help.” Jeongyeon leaves Jihyo at the stall, her gameplan set, her questions answered.

 

Jihyo sighs. She should really get paid for this. Being a love consultant is such tiring work.

 

She then notices the question adorning the wall.

 

Are you in love with your best friend?

 

Her face has never gone more pale.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Nayeon lays her head on Mina’s lap, the latter stroking her hair as they watch a romantic movie. They sit there, in silence, staring at that tv screen where the man is running through the airport just to see his love waiting in line.

 

Nayeon scoffs. She’s seen this cliché so many times; it’s honestly so annoying to see it once more, and to think she was excited about this movie just earlier today.

 

It’s disappointing.

 

“This is so unrealistic. He takes one step past the TSA and he’s probably tackled to the ground. This is stupid,” Nayeon huffs. “Wanna get some food?”

 

“What do you think?”

 

Nayeon puts her thinking face on, and then a light bulb sparks inside her head. She snaps her finger and says, “I’ve got an idea. Momo’s been delivering food lately. I don’t think she’d mind snatching some for us.”

 

Mina shakes her head, a snide smile on her face. “Well, you do you I guess. I’m getting a drink. Want anything?”

 

Nayeon nods. “Dr. Pepper and Pepsi, please,” she says as she pulls out her phone.

  
  


“Alright.” Mina pecks Nayeon and leaves for the kitchen.

 

Yo Peach, get me some of that pizza you’ve been stacking. Make it BONELESS.

 

She sniggers at the text, and she waits for Momo to answer back. Then, her phone rings.

 

Please Nayeon, I’d rather not deal with this meme right now. Plus I can’t give you food. This is for the elderly.

 

She could see Momo’s annoyed face in her head and she continues.

 

You’ve been calling me grandma for the past four months just cause I got out of breath dancing to Dahyun rapping. Gimme some of that pizza BONELESS.

 

Instantly, another text comes.

 

Whatever, I’ll be coming. Is Mina there?

 

Yeah. She just stepped away for a minute to get some drinks.

 

Okay well, I’ll need to ask you guys something.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey Momo,” Mina greets as she takes the plastic bag containing some pizza from Momo’s hands. “I hope you didn’t get in trouble for this.”

 

Momo waves it away. “The manager is nice. He caught me but he turned the other way. Turns out he did it himself.”

 

Mina chuckles lightly and she nods. “Come in.” She opens the door wider for Momo to enter and she does.

 

“I like what you’ve done to the place, Nayeon. Your roommate moved out right?” Momo takes notice of the different changes in the room. It’s noticeably brighter than usual. Nayeon always loved the light. Sometimes for Momo, the light gives her a raucous headache.

 

It doesn’t hurt today.

 

  
“It’s Mina’s idea. She thought the decor before was drab. I liked it.”

 

Mina scoffs. “If beige was your choice, you need to get your eyes checked. It’s so much better now.”

 

“Can you like not right now Mina? Momo wants to talk about something.”

 

Momo nods, making her way to the couch, Mina following soon after she dropped the plastic bag containing pizza on the dinner table.

 

“So,” Momo starts. “It’s about Sana.”

 

* * *

 


	6. Sometimes She Loved Me Too

 

 

_You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming._

_\- Pablo Neruda_

 

 

* * *

 

She remembers that day, that day she chose. She thinks about it sometimes, sometimes in her car, sometimes when she’s doing groceries with Jihyo. It’s unforgettable, because those tears that came from her face were so graceful, crystal-like, and while she was admiring its beauty, her heart ached from knowing she caused it.

 

It was overcast. She’s always loved overcast, because it’s not bright nor does it rain. It’s just right.

 

However these days, overcast just gives her those memories, and she’s forced to relive them in her mind, in pain, in anguish.

 

Though sometimes, she’s reminded that it would’ve happened one way or another and that the same outcome would’ve happened either way.

 

Jihyo told her it’ll be fine, that their friendship will be the same as always, but she knows, she knows that someone you’ve loved so intensely can’t be your friend.

 

No, her heart is twitchy, and she wishes that it twitched right that time.

  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  
  


Momo wakes up, groggy and dazed, as the sun seeps in from the blinds. She looks over to the other bed, seeing Jeongyeon’s back heaving up and down as she sleeps.

 

A light smiles adorns her face when she sees the sight.

 

Right, Jeongyeon. Jeongyeon is here.

 

And it’s her turn to get breakfast.

 

Pulling the blanket off her body, she moves to the bathroom, wanting to freshen up before she goes downstairs to the café to get some food. After the usual hygiene, she puts on some flannel over her shirt and sweatpants before heading out.

 

It’s when she enters that café that she sees a familiar face.

 

“What’ll you have today, Momo?” Dahyun smiles, gums showing, and Momo could only raise a brow to what could be making the star athlete so happy, glowing in fact.

 

Momo purses her lips as she look at the blackboard menu behind Dahyun, spotting what Jeongyeon usually gets for her and what she gets for Jeongyeon.

“The...Ham and Cheese Panini with a side of chips aaannndd…”

 

“-a Chicken Burrito Supreme and broccoli and cheese soup. I know, Momo. You don’t have to. It’s your hangover food. You always get the same thing.” Dahyun finishes punching in the order into that machine, and she looks up, a tight lipped smile on her face. “Sorry I couldn’t make it last night. Coach Watanabe called a surprise practice. You know how he is.”

 

“Yeah, yeah I do.” Momo puts her hands in her pockets. “Doing well? You seem happy. Usually people in Nationals, especially in the finals, would be nervous. They’d be fidgety.”

 

Dahyun looks down, a meaningful smile on her face, and Momo tilts her head in confusion.

 

“I found someone. She’s...perfect.”

 

And then there was one.

 

Jihyo’s got to step up her game.

  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  


There’s this thing called being stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s when you have a dilemma so troublesome that you’re pulling your hair out on what to choose. Momo doesn’t usually find herself in such situations, making sure that her decisions prior are very well thought out, leaving no hard decisions to come her way. However planning stuff out like this doesn’t always doesn't...go to plan.

 

Like how Jeongyeon is her rock, the person she’s tied to, the person she’s in love with and how Sana is the hard place, because no matter how much Momo tries to stop loving her, she can’t and it’ll just put her in such a difficult position if she follows through.

 

A rock and a hard place. Jeongyeon and Sana. What is she doing just sitting around thinking about it?

 

She has to do something.

  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  


Momo brings the phone up to her ear. Small breaths are taken, as if she’s trying to control them, stifle how hard she’s trying to keep her nervousness in. She’s too shaky, she knows that, but the other person on the line doesn’t have to know, not even Jihyo who’s staring at her from across the room knows why she’s so skittish.

 

“H-Hey Sana. Where are you at?” God, she’s stuttering. Relax and it’ll be fine. It’s fine.

 

“Oh Momo. I wasn’t expecting…” There’s clutter and noise in the background which makes Momo’s brow raise in curiosity. “...sorry I’m just moving in to this place. Eunha got a roommate already so she-nevermind. So, what’s up?”

 

“Oh, I was just wondering if you’d...like to grab a drink? Jeongyeon said she’s working tonight and I wanted to visit.” She hears nothing from the other line, so Momo panics and continues with, “I just wanted someone to be with. I don’t want to just visit and go. She’s working and I didn’t want to intrude and distract her. I was wonde-”

 

“Momo, you’re rambling.”

 

Momo stops, her face red from embarrassment. Come on Momo! This is Sana you’re talking to! She’s your best friend, someone you’ve lived your whole life with. Get it together. Get it together. Get it together. Keep saying it and maybe it’ll actually happen.

 

“Right, so what’s-”

 

“I’d love to, but just give me a sec alright I’m-” A loud screeching noise resonates through the phone. She seems to be moving a couch. “Alright. Sorry bout’ that. The couch’s very stubborn.”

 

“No problem. Just...give me a ring later.”

 

“I will. I have to go. I’ll see you then.”

 

“See you.” The line turns dead and Momo finds herself letting out a sigh of relief she never knew she was holding.

 

“Who was that?” In God we trust. In Jihyo we trust. What’s the difference? Because somehow Jihyo teleported all the way from across the room like some supernatural being to the space in front of her, eyes big like saucers, probing and questioning her every move. It’s scary, but Momo doesn’t try to question it anymore. Jihyo’s been on edge lately since Sana came to town.

 

It’s not that Momo blames her, no, she gets it, she really does, because she’s jittery too, and it’s understandable. It’s just that Sana changed all their lives, for better or for worse, and now that she’s back again, it’s certainly burning them with anticipation on how she’ll change everything this time.

 

“Sana. I asked her to come to the bar with me. Jeongyeon’s working tonight.”

 

“And why didn’t you ask us?” Jihyo’s tone is hostile, combative. Momo never hears this from her, and it’s definitely not a welcome change. Angry Jihyo is terrifying.

 

“You’re working on the signs, right? I just thought…” Jihyo’s eyes set aflame. “I-I just thought I’d get away for a bit... while you’re working on the signs for the big game tomorrow.”

 

At that, Jihyo relaxes and so does Momo in response. Crisis averted for now, Momo thinks.

 

“It’s just that...nevermind. I’m saying something stupid.” Jihyo sighs, running a hand through her locks. “I just want you to not make a huge mistake, alright? Play it safe and you’ll get there. Take a risk and you’ll just fall further.”

 

What is Jihyo talk-

 

“Just promise me that you won’t get hurt alright?”

 

“What are you-”

 

“Just do it.”

 

Momo looks at Jihyo with concern, as if the girl was losing it, but she nods anyway, causing Jihyo to smile slightly in response.

 

“Good. Now get going. Sana’s probably going to call you soon.”

 

Momo nods before she makes her way to the door, phone still in hand and her heart ready to choose.

 

* * *

 

(Her eyes set upon a small girl, like herself, frozen on the top of the jungle gym. It seems that as soon as she climbed her way up and looked down, she realized the height’s too scary and she can’t move. Typical, Momo thinks. She’s seen so many girls and boys climb up that thing and regret their decision all too quickly. Heights seem to be the kryptonite of many children.

 

Momo’s scared of heights herself, evident by the soprano in her voice when she first climbed up that play thing, but she wouldn’t admit it. Nah, it’s fine. Jungle gyms are fine…

 

Alright here we go, Momo thinks, as she stares at that little girl climb down the death tr-she means jungle gym. Her legs are wobbling and the whimpering the girl is doing is certainly music to Momo’s ears. She looks like she’s going to cry, and Momo can’t get enough of it. This is great! Wait, no. You’re not supposed to step on that one. That’s…

 

Slippery. Another boy earlier that evening peed his pants when he went down.

 

Momo sighs as she hears the yelp of that little girl as she falls down on the ground with a loud thud. It’s fine; the fall is not that high anyway, though by the look on the girl’s face when Momo reaches the edge of the jungle gym, you’d think she just outran a nuclear bomb with the way she’s panting and wheezing on the ground.

 

Momo crouches over the lifeless body, a tight-lipped smile on her face.

 

“Hurts, don’t it? Don’t worry. The pain will go away in a jiffy.”

 

The girl doesn’t answer, instead just doing the same as she always has been doing: reenacting a post-battle scene from Saving Private Ryan. Yeah, totally not exaggerating at all, with the way the panting and wheezing turning into a full blown scream of “Oh my god! Why is that so damn slippery?!”

 

Momo frowns. Bad word. Her mom had told her never to say a bad word. She’ll scold this young lady, yes she will.

 

“That’s a bad word. Say sorry,” Momo commands, face intimidating as she her eyebrows furrow and lips rotate down.

 

“What?” The girl quips. “Why should I say sorry? I didn’t even say it to you.”

 

“Still.” Momo senses the defiance from the other girl and so she commits to her secret weapon, the most dangerous weapon in all of mankind: the pout. “Say it please.” And when she sees the girl’s face soften as if she did wrong, Momo celebrates on the inside for her victory, as small as it is.

 

“Alright, I’m sorry.” The girl then struggles to support herself with her arm so she says, “By the way, can you help me get up? My buttocks is sore.”

 

“Sure,” Momo replies before she hooks her arm with the girl and heaves her up, not detaching herself until the girl gives her a hand that signalled so.

 

“What's your name?” Momo asks. She notices the girl is a little taller than her. She frowns once more; she never did like people taller than her. Maybe she should drink more milk and eat more, yeah she's going to eat a ton. Her mother did tell her she ate too little. So from here on she's going to eat like a black hole! Call her Hirai Black Ho-

 

“My name is Sana.” Oh wow. Her name is pretty and unique. Her own name is unique because who

has the same syllable twice? Momo can't think of another one. There's this thing called the internet that just came out so maybe she’ll ask her mother to use it tonight. “You?”

 

“Momo.”

 

“Moguri then!” This Sana girl is already pushing her buttons. What kind of name is Moguri? She hopes it never catches on if she ever continues this relationship.

 

“What? Where'd you come up with that nickname?” As much as Momo loves to be given a nickname, the way the girl is smiling like it's the greatest nickname Momo will ever get in her life annoys her. There's a million nicknames she can get, like Cutie or Peach! What is a Moguri?

 

“Your eyes have bags under them and you look like a raccoon. So from here on out you are Moguri.” Curses. She should've never have stolen her brother’s gameboy and played it all night. Darn it Megaman! The temptation is real!

 

“I don't like it. Call me Momo instead,” Momo huffs out, crossing her arms with a pompous expression as she looks away. It totally childish, but what is she if not a child? A kpop star who's amazing at dancing and has millions of fans? She wishes.

 

Sana clutches Momo’s arm, an apologetic look on her face as if she did the whole world wrong. Momo can't get mad at that. Look at her! She's totally cute! As much as Momo would hate to say it, that face is even better than hers! It should be illegal. If Momo becomes a lawmaker one day, that's on the list.

 

“Momo.” She takes note of how Sana used her real name and she feels the victory. “Please forgive me. I just met you and I did something bad. Will you ever forgive me?”

 

Gosh. Momo hands are shaking from stopping herself from ravaging the girl’s fluffy cheeks. They’re so plump, (Mama said to never use the word fat. She doesn't get it.) but she remembers how much she doesn't like it when her aunts do that to her so she refrains.

 

Momo sighs, playing it off like she's actually mad, and nods. “I forgive you. Don't do it again.” Her voice is stern, and it's near to falter, but it doesn't since she's pinching herself in the arm discreetly to control herself.

 

“D-Do you want to play tomorrow? The moon’s out already a-and that's when Mama told me to come home if Papa didn't already pick me up.” If not for the stuttering, Momo would've questioned Sana's parents parenting practices. Well it shows. She curses and she doesn't have a keen eye to spot even the most drenched of surfaces (yuck). It shouldn't be surprising, but it doesn't fail to put but another frown Momo’s face.

 

She's been getting very displeased more than usual. Usually it's when her parents give her the phone to talk to relatives, but she gets irritated at the littlest of things. This sort of annoyance usually happens when her parents give her the phone to talk to her relatives. Now that is something to be displeased about.

 

Momo glances towards the bench where her own parents are off being lovey dovey with one another. She cringes. Ugh. Why are they doing that in public? It's disgusting. Momo will scold her mother for this later, yes she will. No further will such acts of disgrace be done in this family.

 

Momo turns back. “Sure! Same time, same place?”

 

Sana shakes her head before pointing to the see-saw just a few meters away from them.

 

“I wanna play there.”

 

Momo nods before waving away the girl she just met, who gave her a nickname, who looked so cute pouting and apologizing.)

 

* * *

 

Jeongyeon rests on a stool, eyes scanning the bar, as she lives through her slow and empty shift. Is there something wrong with people today? There’s barely anyone here and the ones who are, are those alcoholics from a block away. Jeongyeon had seen them walking with their family to the grocery store and she can’t help but wonder what their family life must be like.

 

This is boring. The weird thing is that it’s a Friday. However reason hits Jeongyeon in the head, and she gets it.

 

They’re preparing for that big game tomorrow. Right, the game the whole campus is in a roar about. Jeongyeon never liked sports, only getting exposure once or twice with the help of her friends in the kpop club. They had taken her to a soccer game once, seen that Chaeyoung girl score from the halfway line. If all games were like that, Jeongyeon would actually be a frequent goer, but they aren’t so she hasn’t given it another look.

 

Still, this one seems to have all the talk, both trash and regular. She enjoys the former more than the latter.

 

It’s when Jeongyeon’s pocket vibrates, and she looks towards the empty bar in front of her, that her attention will be taken elsewhere other than her job. Taking herself through the kitchen door, she leans against the steel table and answers the phone.

 

“Jeongyeon here. Who is this?”

 

When she hears the chirpy voice, Jeongyeon learns that she shouldn’t be taking phone calls during work.

 

“It’s Sana. How are you Jeongie?”

 

“H-How did you get my number? This is a new phone.” Jeongyeon takes the phone off her ear to see if it is new and it is. Someone must’ve given it to her. That must be the only way.

 

“Nevermind that,” Sana deflects before she says. “I’m coming over to the bar. Is there a spot?”

 

Jeongyeon peers through the glass mirror of the kitchen door, seeing the bar still void of customers. She doesn’t know what to think of this. Is having nobody or Sana here better for her? She doesn’t know. However, this is her job first.

 

“The bar’s empty. You can come if you’d like.”

 

“Great! I’ll be there soon. I’m just round the corner.”

 

Jeongyeon gulps before she purses her lips as a nervous sweat falls down the side of her face. It’s not even cold so Jeongyeon curses her skittish self. Momo’s hers and isn’t Sana’s. She shouldn’t be so afraid of Sana, but she is and it’s an annoyance.

 

“O-Ok. I’ll see you here.”

 

A few minutes later, Jeongyeon finds herself staring at the entrance as she taps on the wooden surface where her hand lays. She doesn’t even hear the raucous yelling of the alcoholics in the corner of the bar. She’s too focused on who’s going to enter that door.

 

Sana’s coming and she feels it.

 

* * *

 

(A girl is going to come knocking on that door and she feels it.

 

First day of university. First day of a new chapter in her life. First roommate of her first dorm.

 

Jeongyeon looks at that door as she sits on her bed, hand on the handle of her luggage, just waiting for that time to come.

 

Excited? Sure she is, but she’s more uneasy of what kind that girl is going to be. Is she nice or is she a bitch? Does she clean up after herself or would she have to clean up after her? What kind of luggage does she carry? Is she pregnant? Oh my god Jeongyeon, get a hold of yourself! It’s fine. It’s going to be fine.

 

No matter who it is. As long as it’s not a serial killer, she’s going to accept her. Wait, scratch that. As long as it's someone remotely normal, she's going to accept her.

 

Little did she know her roommate is far from normal.

 

It takes four knocks for Jeongyeon to dart towards that door before her hand reaches the knob. She stops, frozen still, and she peers through the peephole, catching a girl waiting with some luggage in her hand.

 

Even though the field of view is so small, Jeongyeon could tell that this girl is a real stunner. Her hair is sleek and black and they fall nicely on her shoulders. Posture straight and her eyes, don't let Jeongyeon get started on her eyes, are so ephemeral that if Jeongyeon were to look at them for just a moment, she'd be sure to lose herself in them.

 

She grips the door knob tighter and swings the doors open.

 

Wow. Jeongyeon knows her stuff. This girl is absolutely beautiful.

 

“Hi. Are you my roommate?” Jeongyeon asks.

 

The girl shows off the luggage in her hand. “Yeah I am. Can I come in?”

 

Jeongyeon nods way too fast when she says, “Sure sure! Please come in.” She makes way for her new roommate to enter, opening the door wide before closing it soon after.

 

Her roommate takes the other bed, leaving her luggage besides the bedside table, before sitting on said bed.

 

“Name?”

 

No doubt it will be something fitting of a girl like her. What are some names? Hmm Chaeyeon? Jiwon? Sharon?! Wait that last name seems to be out of place. Nevermind.

 

“Momo and you?”

 

Momo? It's just Mo twice. Mo-mo, Jeongyeon sounds it out slowly in her head. Mo-mo. She figures it decent. It certainly has some sort of ring to it. Catchy, she likes it.

 

“Yoo Jeongyeon. You could call me Jeongyeon,” she answers, and she looks at where she's standing and it's awkward. In the middle of the room, between the beds and the door, it's so embarrassing. She makes her way to her own bed from across this Momo girl and sits down.

 

“By the way, ever wonder what we’ll do with this area?” Momo makes some sort of hand gesture at the empty space between the beds.

 

Jeongyeon had been thinking about that of when she first came into the room. That part of the room seems so empty, void of anything that it just doesn't feel right. To have Momo confirm her suspicions means that she was on to something.

 

“I was thinking a couch actually. There isn't anywhere cozy to sit except our beds so maybe we could share.”

 

“I pay half, you pay half.”

 

Jeongyeon nods and then she smiles when Momo does too.

 

“Alright then. Well nice meeting you Jeongyeon but I've to meet my friends at the pub. I'll see you later?”

 

“What pub?” Jeongyeon can't help but blurt out. What are you doing, Jeongyeon? That's hardly appropriate!

 

However Momo answers and Jeongyeon’s glad she did.

 

“It's pretty underground. Not much go there but if you go a few blocks north, next to Lucky’s, there’s a pub there. You can't miss it.”

 

“Okay thanks. I'll be sure to check it out.”

 

Momo waves goodbye before she takes her purse and exits through the door with a tiny thud.

 

Jeongyeon just stares at that door, a goofy smile on her face, because then she knows what she’s going to do.

 

It's the start of a new chapter. New friends. New people. New relationships.

 

Also, the start of a thing called debt and student loans.

 

And she knows how she's going to pay them, all while she's looking at a beauty.)

 

* * *

 

The first time Momo had met Jeongyeon at the bar was far too comical for her taste, but it happened and it's just a fond memory for both of them. Her then new roommate got so startled by her presence that she spilled the drink she was mixing all over herself all while looking like a deer in the headlights with those widened eyes and agape mouth. It was certainly a funny sight.

 

But watching that stern expression now, the one she thought would be alright for her, seems to be more difficult to watch than the other expression.

 

When Momo walks into at bar, Jeongyeon seems troubled oddly enough, but it swiftly disappears when she approaches..

 

“Momo. I didn't expect you to come,” Jeongyeon comments. She points to a stool. “You can sit right there, next to Sana.”

 

Momo gives Sana a polite smile befores she sits, the screeching sound of the stool reminding her of the sound of Sana’s couch.

 

Momo and Sana exchange looks, and she realizes she hasn’t even said hi or anything.

 

“I wanted to surprise you. I thought you might have needed company-” She looks around before she turns back to Jeongyeon. “-and I was right. This place is a ghost town. I don’t like those people over there though.”

 

“They won’t bite…” Jeongyeon says before adding, “...most times.”

 

Momo chuckles, shaking her head at Jeongyeon’s little joke, though her girlfriend’s face remains stagnant and she realizes that it’s actually true. God, what sort of drinking habits are those? Biting? Disgusting.

 

“Are you going to the game tomorrow?” Jeongyeon asks. “I saw Jihyo making those signs on twitter. They’re looking pretty good so far.”

 

“Oh those? They’re much better now. That was just the first draft,” Momo notes before turning her attention to Sana beside her. “We’re planning to go with the team to the locker rooms. Dahyun’s treat. You coming?”

 

Sana nods. “She told me earlier at lunch. Must’ve been the perks of being their star player. Coach Watanabe seems like a hard ass that’s why.”

 

This is freaky. Are they actually having a normal conversation with little to no tension? The last time they were in this bar, Jeongyeon got warned by Jihyo to not quarrel with Sana, but looking at the two exchange conversation seems have dispelled all notions of conflict. Whatever happened to the two of them?

 

A few hours pass and Jeongyeon shifts ends, all while having a few drinks with the two customers in front of her. She shouldn’t be drinking on the job, but there isn’t anyone that needed her service. Even the drunkards in the corner just up and left, probably off to their homes.

 

Momo takes this chance to go to the bathroom one last time before they dip to Nayeon’s dorm where she invited everyone for a pre-game hang out. That’s when Momo knows the niceties from before were all just a fluke.

 

Because when she leaves the two sitting at the bar, they start.

 

“You’re a good actor Sana. Must be hard to keep that pretty face of yours from laughing while you stab her in the back.”

 

Momo presses her back harder against the wall, hoping to not let any part of her stick out and give her away.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Yoo. I’ve been her best friend ever since I was a child. You’re just some rando she got as a roommate freshman year.”

 

Jeongyeon scoffs. “There’s this thing called choosing your roommate every year Sana and the fact that she chose me instead of a snake like you means something.”

 

“You’re just jealous she likes me still.”

 

“She doesn’t like you. She’s mad that you left her for a year without an answer. Even your little skype calls didn’t stop the crying at night.”

 

“Crying?” Sana questions and then she softens. “She was crying?”

 

“Like you said, you’re her best friend. She even confessed to you and you left. What do you think she was feeling? She was alone. She was unconfident. All she had was me because she didn’t want to tell Nayeon and Jihyo about her problems. Even then, Jihyo and Nayeon wanted to cry also. Nayeon wanted to punch you! You changed things Sana. As much as you want things to be the same, they won’t. Because you hurt them, and you didn’t even say sorry.”

 

Jeongyeon throws the towel she is using to clean the glasses on the bar counter. She points a finger at Sana.

 

“Better get your act together and stay away. Don’t betray her also.”

 

At that Jeongyeon calms down, and she continues, “We’ll talk later at Nayeon’s. Momo must be close to done.” Jeongyeon rounds the bar and waits outside, leaving Sana to sit stone-faced on the bar stool.

 

Momo decides to exit from her cover and show herself to Sana, who watches her with eyes laced with sorrow. Understandable from her viewpoint; a bomb like that must affect her in some way.

 

“Let’s go,” Momo urges. “Jeongyeon must be outside.”

 

* * *

 

The first time Momo ever laid hands on a girl was with Jeongyeon. Before the debacle with Sana, her love life was practically non-existent, as in she didn’t have game. Now it’s like it’s all coming together all at once. If there’s one thing to be worried about is that if doesn’t work out with Jeongyeon, would this luck come again? Probably not, but Momo does hope.

 

Sometimes, she doesn’t think about these kinds of things. She just watches, her mind blank, because she doesn’t want to ponder on the wrongs and the rights, the past and the future, the good and the bad. Because worrying about all that is just tiring, and she hates it.

 

Like right now.

 

Momo stares blankly at her friends, some of them on their phones while some of them are eating some of the food Jihyo had brought from the grocery store (this time with her own money). Nothing is going through her mind, because she’s tired and she’s weak. Because after everything that happened in that bar, she doesn’t want to mull over the possibilities and the consequences.

 

She’s been thinking this past year about all that. She doesn’t need to think about it anymore.

 

However sometimes, her mind goes into overdrive. Like a NASA supercomputer, she calculates this and that, whether or not this will happen or that will happen. Sometimes she gets an idea, sometimes she comes out dry, but most of the time, she makes progress with whatever she’s reflecting upon and that’s all she could ask for.

 

When she sees Sana take Jeongyeon to the far corner of the room, her mind gets booted up - running it’s startup processes before it begins forecasting the repercussions.

 

A few minutes pass and it ends. She’s got it, a light bulb and a choice. At the same time, Jeongyeon huffs angrily away from Sana who still stands in the far corner, looking at the crowd of people in the living room of Nayeon’s apartment.

 

This is it. This is the time. This is where she’ll bare it all, bare everything, reveal the world to her.

 

Momo gives Jeongyeon a look, and then she knows that this is her decision.

 

With a hand on her wrist and with a tug, she takes Sana into another room.

 

* * *

 

(There’s this movie Sana’s been raving about lately. It’s a love story that Nayeon had recommended to her, but she’s never gotten around to watching it.

 

 

Momo doesn’t get it. She really doesn’t. How could you love a movie so much without seeing a single second of it? Just Sana things, she figures.

 

But Sana keeps saying this one quote, and it rings in Momo’s mind over and over again. She’s just a child, twelve years old to be exact, but it makes her think older and more learned.

 

Wait, what was it again?)

 

* * *

 

“There’s something I have to say, alright?” Momo stands in front of Sana who’s sitting on the bed wondering what the heck is happen. Momo knows what’s going to happen, that is until she asks, until she says it. That’s when her calculations run dark, and she’s going in blind. This is a hail mary, and she hopes it gets caught.

 

When Sana tries to speak, Momo holds a hand up. She speaks first. Nothing is going to hold her back from saying it.

 

“Look, I met you I don’t know how many years ago now. For the first time in all those years, the past year was the year we didn’t see each other everyday. It was tiring and it was lonely and all I wanted to do was call my parents and tell them I was visiting just so I could come meet you. But I didn’t and you didn’t ask for me to come either. That’s what made me sad.”

 

Momo sighs out, a hand running through her hair. She looks Sana into the eyes, those sweet doe-like eyes, and she continues.

 

“So I’m only going to say this once. Don’t leave again. You don’t know how much we want to keep you here. Jihyo. Nayeon. Even the others. They want you here. I want you here. I want you to be with me when we go to class, when eat at lunch, when we go to bar. I…”

 

Momo stops herself, building up the courage to say whatever she’s going to say. This is it.

 

“I want you with me, not as a friend but as a lover. I know I said it once before and you said no, but I hope the year apart made you realize some things like I had. When I saw you again at that park, I knew it. I really knew it then. I can’t live without you. I can’t.”

 

Sana takes this chance when Momo calms herself.

 

“You don’t love me. You love Jeongyeon. Even then, I don’t think you know what love really means. You’re only saying you love me because you miss me. You miss my presence. I do miss you too. You don’t know how much I thought about you guys.” Sana put a hand on Momo’s shoulder. “Don’t ruin what you have with Jeongyeon. She loves you and you love her.”

 

“I may not be smart nor am I witty, but you don’t need to have a dictionary to know what love is. I do and I love you.”

 

“Momo we can’t.”

 

Momo furrows her eyebrows, a frown on her face, when she says, “What do you mean we can’t? I’m telling you my feelings and I feel this. I know you feel it too, Sana.”

 

“You don’t get to choose Momo. You had all those years to, but you kept thinking of Nayeon. Then when I thought I moved on from you, you said you loved me. Now what do you think that made me feel? Let me tell you: I felt confused and conflicted. Your heart is fickle Momo. You switch from girl to girl, from Nayeon to Mina to Jeongyeon to Me. I can’t trust your feelings. So I took initiative and I chose for you. I love you but we can’t. We just can’t.”

 

“W-Wha-”

 

“And I was planning to tell everyone else tonight and Jeongyeon already knows, but…” Sana stops and she nods, knowing this is the right thing to do.

  
  
  


“I got back together with Dahyun.”

 

* * *

 

(“How are you Jeongyeon?” Sana beams a smile when she enters the bar. She points at a stool, silently asking if it’s free. Jeongyeon nods and Sana proceeds on forward.

 

Sitting on the bar stool, Sana speaks once more.

 

“Now I don’t like the look you’re giving me Jeongyeon. Momo’s my best friend. She’s your girlfriend. We should be getting along right?”

 

“I don’t like backstabbing bitches that try to steal my girl.”

 

Sana raises her hands, stopping Jeongyeon from insulting her further.

 

“Whoa whoa whoa. That was uncalled for. I’m not trying to steal anybody.”

 

“What do you mean you’re not trying to steal anybody?”

 

“I mean that there isn’t anybody to steal. I’m with Dahyun now. I thought she told you guys that.”

 

Jeongyeon raises a brow. “Dahyun? The athlete Dahyun? Your ex-girlfriend Dahyun?”

 

Sana chuckles at Jeongyeon’s confusion before she nods a few times.

 

“Yes that Dahyun. Our friend Dahyun. The one who tried to get into Momo’s pants Dahyun.”

 

Jeongyeon passes a glass of whiskey, a look of incredulity on her face. “My treat then. You sure you don’t like Momo?”

 

“Of course I like Momo, but it’s not like she doesn’t love you. That girl likes me. That girl loves you. There’s a difference.” Sana takes a swig of the whiskey, the liquid flowing smoothly down her throat. “Whoa, this is good.”

 

“It’s our most expensive bottle, but here’s to you.” Jeongyeon raises her own glass, clinking it with Sana’s before wolfing it down.

 

When Jeongyeon puts her glass down, she sees Momo through the windows, waiting to cross the street to get to the bar.

 

She gestures for Sana to come forward.

 

“You guys need to talk. She needs to know. I think she really likes you still.”

 

Sana sighs and nods. “Right, okay look. After we have a few drinks here and there and we’re ready to go to Nayeon’s, let’s make up some fake fight. You know how Momo is. She likes to think and she’s going to snap. It'll make her talk tonight.”

 

“Thanks Sana.”

 

“No problem and watch out when we do talk. She's going to cry and I want you to be the first person she sees when she does, alright? I've hurt her way too much and I'm doing it again. But I hope you realize I did it for everyone. This way, she doesn't win, I don't necessarily win, but you do and you deserve it Jeongyeon. You deserve her. You've only shown her love while I've just shown her pain.

 

 

"You're pretty cool Sana. I can't believe we didn't hang out earlier."

 

 

"So I've been told.")

 

* * *

 

(Sana looks fondly at the welcome sign in the airport. She’s back again, and she can’t wait to meet them all.

 

Though when she steps out from the arrivals section, she sees a small girl waving at her, a smile on her face and the look on her eyes saying that the person she’s staring at is the most precious thing in the world.

 

It’s Dahyun.)

 

* * *

 

(“You should try it sometime,” Dahyun says before handing the soda bottle to Sana.

 

Sana takes it in her hand, a frown on her face. She never did like soda. It’s so unhealthy, but seeing Dahyun recommend it with such gusto, she can’t refuse such an offer.

 

“Thanks for the sprite. Shouldn’t you be going now?” Sana asks, looking outside and scanning for her friends. They aren’t there.

 

“Yeah sorry I was a little caught up. I should get going.” Dahyun pulls away from the table, but Sana takes the athlete’s wrist into her hand.

 

Dahyun looks back. “What?”

 

“This,” Sana says before she pecks Dahyun’s lips. It leaves both of them breathless, and it’s strange because it was such a short kiss, but it’s electrifying. “If you’d let me,” Sana says.

 

“Always Sana.” Dahyun tries not to smile, but she fails and starts showing her gums. “I have to go. I’ll see you later.”

 

Dahyun waves goodbye and leaves through the door.

 

And Sana waits, watching as that back fades into the distance. She doesn’t even take notice of her surroundings, just getting lost in her thoughts.

 

“Hey Sana,” Jihyo pipes in.)

 

* * *

 

Momo thinks once more at those times, that wondrous past of hers. It doesn’t fail to leave a smile on her face. It also doesn’t fail to leave a frown on hers.

 

She doesn’t dream anymore, doesn’t dream that dream that she used to dream. The face never fully revealed, the face never unveiled, but she knows the laughter that came with it. It was shrill and it was annoying, but she owes it Sana for having a laugh like that. God, where is she right now?

 

Jihyo keeps in touch that’s for sure, but Momo doesn’t even try anymore. She’s thinks she’s stopped caring, though when she hears that voice from the speakers of Jihyo’s phone, her heart aches and she can’t bear to hear it anymore. She cares.

 

Momo looks up at that face, and she smiles, because Sana was right. She loved Jeongyeon and Jeongyeon loved her.

 

But she knows she loved Sana too, maybe even more than her love for Jeongyeon.

 

It just wasn’t her choice anymore. She lost the chance to choose.

 

That’s when Momo remembers what Sana always said when they were twelve.

 

“She loves you. I love you. You love her most times, but only sometimes you love me too.”

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @stinkinthepink catch me there :)


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